New Blog.

go here.

VETE A VOTAR!!!!

GO VOTE!!!

and then join the huddled, hopeful masses in anticipation.

Nuevo.

I started another blog. I wasn't going to tell anyone or even allow anyone to see it until I hit the road again. But, really, I kind of already have. I'm on the Road. So, it's open now.

I realized the only reason I was waiting was because I wanted to be far away when everyone (or anyone) started reading it.
Scaredy-cat.

So, now begins the next phase, the new layer. Shedding old skin and...blogs, apparently.

It is what it is.

Love.

I Miss...

...Everyone.

don't get me wrong. there is still family here yet! but most, it seems, are on the road and incomunicado. sigh.

mi querida hermana, la Sarita, me escribio y me invito a te for two...in Argentina. I can just imagine it now...Sara and I in our finest rags, barefoot and dirty, sitting down for tea with exotic birds singing in the trees above us, while the mangoes, so heavy with sweet nectar, fall to the ground at our feet. (in my fantasy, there is also a waterfall lightly misting us, cooling us off in the afternoon heat with a rainbow reflected in it's spray...asking too much?)

sigh.

i feel like i'm at the starting gate, waiting for the gun to fire....wait for it....wait for it....and still waiting. man, it's killing me...slowly.
ok, maybe that's dramatic. most days i am grateful for exactly where i'm at. Life is good. truly.
somedays i'm just a little impatient. :)

really all i want to do is play guitar, write, read, and art all day long.

is that so much to ask?


Love-

the big it.

it drips off moments of subtle perfection

and pools around my dirty feet 

where they touch such beautiful earth

it hangs in the air 

like the last note suspended

of the last song that played

it hides in the cracks 

in the old buildings walls

it creeps like vines

and deepens like roots

it's shining out of everyone

through everything

despite it all

because of it all

celebrate.

you are here.

Oooouuuuuuuuucchh.

Ouch.Ouuuch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Hmmm.

Haven't posted in a while.
been doing a lot of writing on paper- which has been nice, refreshing.
Sometimes I want to sit and type, and things seem to flow more freely that way. Other times, I need to move my hand across a page.
Don't know why.

Life has been really busy lately. So much happening, changing.

I have a new friend. :)
He's someone I work with. He is quite possibly one of the most hilarious people EVER. And insightful and wise in his own way. I actually write things down and take notes...so that I can recall exactly what he said later.

I was gonna post some of his sayings, but, I don't know if they'll translate onto a blog...there's a lot of gesturing and a fantastic (or should i say fabulous?) accent that you've just gotta hear.

Love that guy.

...Sorry, I feel like i just teased you! Next time you see me, ask me, and I'll do an impression for you. Hilarious.

OH.GOD.WHY.

Debates make me want to gnaw my fingernails to death.

John McCain is nothing new. Same old bullshit. Same old aggravating, truth-twisting, bullshit that will only take this country (and the rest of the world along with it) further into the mire that the current Administration has created. Unbelievable.

Please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE don't fuck this one up America. PLEASE.

A Handmade Life.

There are flecks of paint
still gracing my hands
from the creative flurry
that erupted out of me
a night ago.
there is dirt
beneath my fingernails.
a peacock feather earring adoring just one ear,
-just because-
i am in love
with what is unfolding before me
with guts and glory
and paperclips.
with hummingbirds and wasps
blackbirds and kitty purrs.
i.
am.
in.
love.

the most precious thing
is happening-
i am weaving.
i am sewing, knitting, growing.
i am pruning.
i am choosing.
i am creating a Life of my own,
by hand.
by sweat and blood and tears.
by laughter and singing.

by listening and asking myself,
first and only,

"What do YOU want?"

Eve Ensler on Sarah Palin.

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known for 'The Vagina Monologues', wrote the following about Sarah Palin:

Drill, Drill, Drill.

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.
I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.
Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, 'It was a task from God.'

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.
Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, 'Drill Drill Drill.' I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler September 5, 2008

Here It Is.

This is a website promoting the film.

It is truly incredible and worth checking out. Maybe YouTube has it for free or perhaps I'll just get it and pass it around.

Wow.

Forgiveness.

Watching an amazing documentary/film on forgiveness.

A few names...

Thich Nhat Hanh
Thomas Moore
Elie Weisel

Some issues...

Catholic/Protestant division
Attacks on an Amish Community
The Holocaust

Phew. Incredible. Will post title or link, etc. when one is mentioned...

-Paz

Where We Are Headed.

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT.

NO JOKE, people. No 'Effing Joke.

The "tactics" used by the Police at the Republican National Convention DO NOT CONFORM TO THE STANDARDS ADOPTED BY THE UNITED NATIONS.

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL IS CONCERNED, INVOLVED, AND CALLING FOR IMPARTIAL INVESTIGATION.

These reports are right in line with the "tactics" and force shown on the border, at the protest I have talked about here before.

BELIEVE IT. THIS IS REAL.

THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE.


[-Thanks for the heads up, Jeremy.]

New.

Well I heard a story
about Alex Supertramp,
he dared to live a Dream he loved
and he died in the cold and damp,
We could tell his story-
tell it to scare our kids
into living lives of monotony
at the cost of being Free

Or we could tell his story,
Tell it in such a way-
It makes everyone a Believer
in the Magic of Today-
it makes everyone a Believer
in the Magic of Today.

My sister's name is Sara
she lives Life on the Road
she's never in one place for long-
it's sad to see her go,
but she's daring to live a Dream she loves
and that's more than most can say-
She makes all of us Believers
in the Magic of Today-
she makes all of us Believers
in the Magic of Today.

Every Mountain has a Valley
Every River curves and rolls-
With every step we take,
we walk the Great Unknown...
We walk the Great Unknown!

We all write a story
with the lives we choose to live-
the fears, the hopes, the Dreams we have
what we Take and what we Give-
For each one of us it's different,
if we go or if we stay-
but never stop believing
in the Magic of Today,
Never stop believing
in the Magic of Today.

From The ARC.

Concerning the summer blockbuster, Tropic Thunder.


"Stiller plays Tugg Speedman, a fading action star who earlier failed in his bid for an Oscar as 'Simple Jack,' a man with an intellectual disability. 'Simple Jack' is featured as a film-within-a-film, with Stiller sporting a classic institutional bowl haircut and bad teeth. The film within-a-film's promotional poster bears the subtitle "Once upon a time there was a retard." A promotional website for the Simple Jack movie, that has since been withdrawn, bears the slogan, "What he doesn't have in his head, he makes up for in his heart." A satirical plot synopsis quotes a critic as saying that Speedman's Jack was 'one of the most retarded performances in cinema history.'

Several staff members of The Arc, along with self-advocates and other representatives of the disability community, were able to preview the movie. It is clear that the film’s depiction of people with intellectual disabilities is derogatory and demeaning. The Arc of the United States, in coalition with other disability groups across the nation, is calling for a national dialogue on the language and treatment of people with intellectual disabilities. "

Dear America,

Please don't break my heart.

I really believed in you. In 2004, when election time came, I truly believed that you could never, in your right mind or pure conscience, vote Bush back in.
But you did. And it took me months to recover. My heart and mind, even my spirit, were so completely confounded, disbelieving, and wounded.

Now, here we are again, nearing an election.
and Barack Obama makes me hope so much that it hurts.
I have barely been able to watch as his campaign has unfolded. The convention, almost unbearable. The paper this morning, too.

America, this is our chance. People are believing again. The world can change, but first we must make the changes here that have been so long needed. The weight of the world hangs on the outcome of this election- people all over the globe are holding their breath, waiting to see if we will condemn every last person on the planet to another Administration that is out of touch and completely self-serving, or if we will take a leap of faith and dare to hope for a better future.

Please, America, don't break my heart.

With Love and Respect and even Hope,
Rachell

Nail On The Head.

"The nature of negative complexes and cultures is to pounce upon any discrepancy between the consensus about what is acceptable behavior and the indiviual's differing impulse. Just as some people go mad to see a single leaf upon their walkway, negative judgement draws out its saws to amputate any member that does not conform.

...For a wild child born into a rigid community, the usual outcome is to experience the ignominy of being shunned. Shunning treats the victim as if she does not exist. It withdraws spiritual concern, love, and other pyschic necessities from that person. The idea is to force her to conform, or else to kill her spiritually and/or to drive her from the village to languish and die in the outback.

If a woman is shunned, it is almost always because she has done something or is about to do something in the wildish range, oftentimes something as simple as expressing a slightly different belief or wearing an unapproved color--small, small things as well as large ones. It must be remembered that an oppressed woman not so much refuses to fit as she cannot fit without also dying."

(241).

What's Been Going On With Me Lately...

From Women Who Run With the Wolves...


"The shadow, also, however, can contain the divine, the luscious, beautiful, and powerful aspects of personhood. For women especially, the shadow almost always contains very fine aspects of being that are forbidden or given little support by her culture. At the bottom of the well in the psyches of too many women lies the visionary creator, the astute truth-teller, the far-seer, the one who can speak well of herself without denigration, who can face herself without cringing, who works to perfect her craft. The positive impulses in shadow for women in our culture most often revolve around permission for the creation of a handmade life.

These discarded, devalued, and "unacceptable" aspects of soul and self do not just lie there in the dark, but rather conspire about how and when they shall make a break for freedom. They burble down there in the unconscious, they seethe, they boil, till one day, no matter how well the lid over them is sealed, they explode outward and upward in an unchanneled torrent and with a will of their own.
Then it is, as they say in the backwoods, like trying to put ten pounds of mud back into a five-pound sack. What has erupted from shadow is hard to cap once it has been detonated. Though it would have been far better to have found an integral way to consciously live out one's joy in the creative spirit than to have buried it at all, sometimes a woman is pushed to the wall, and this is the outcome.

The shadow life occurs when writers, painters, dancers, mothers, seekers, mystics, students, or journeywomen stop writing, painting, dancing, mothering, looking, peering, learning, practicing. They might stop because whatever they just spent long with did not come out the way they had hoped, or did not recieve the recognition it deserved, or countless other reasons. When the maker stops for whatever reason, the energy that naturally flows to her is diverted underground, where it surfaces whenever and wherever it can. Because a woman feels she cannot in daylight go full-bore at whatever it is she wants, she begins to lead a strange double life, pretending one thing in daylight hours, acting another way when she gets a chance.
When a woman pretends to press her life down into a nice tidy little package, all she accomplishes is spring-loading all her vital energy down into shadow. "Fine, I'm fine," such a woman says. We look at her across the room or in the mirror. We know she is not fine. Then one day, we hear she has taken up with a piccolo player and has run off to Tippicanoe to be a pool hall queen. And we wonder what happened, because we know she hates piccolo players and always wanted to live on Orcas Island, not on Tippicanoe, and she never before mentioned anything about pool halls.

Like Hedda Gabler in Henrik Ibsen's play, the wildish woman can pretend to live "an ordinary life" while gritting her teeth, but there is always a price to pay. Hedda sneaks a passionate and dangerous life, playing games with an ex-lover and with Death. Outwardly, she pretends to be content wearing bonnets and listening to her dry husband cavil about his dusty life. A woman can be outwardly polite and even cynical, but inwardly hemorrhaging.

Or, like Janis Joplin, a woman can try to comply until she can't stand it any longer, and then her creative nature, corroded and sickened by being forced into the shadow, erupts violently to rebel against the tenets of "breeding" in reckless ways that disregard one's gifts and one's very life.
You can call it anything you like, but sneaking a life because the real one is not given room enough to thrive is hard on women's vitality. Captured and starved women sneak all kinds of things: they sneak unsanctioned books and music, they sneak friendships, sexual feeling, religious affiliation. They sneak furtive thinking, dreams of revolution. They sneak time away from their mates and families. They sneak a treasure into the house. They sneak their writing time, their thinking time, their soul-time. They sneak a spirit into the bedroom, a poem before work, they sneak a skip or an embrace when no one's looking.

To detour off this polarized path, a woman has to surrender the pretense. Sneaking a counterfeit soul-life never works. It always blows out the sidewall when you're least expecting it. Then it's misery all around. It's better to get up, stand up, no matter how homemade your platform, and live the most you can, the best you can, and forgo sneaking the counterfeits. Hold out for what has real meaning and health for you.

...It is difficult to sneak little shreds of life this way but women do it every day. When a woman feels compelled to sneak life, she is in minimal subsitence mode. She sneaks life away from the hearing of "them," whoever the them is in her life. She acts disinterested and calm on the surface, but whenever there is a crack of light, her starved self leaps out, runs for the nearest life form, lights up, kicks back, charges madly, dances herself silly, exhausts herself, then tries to creep back to the black cell before anyone notices she is gone.

Women with poor marriages do this. Women made to feel inferior do this. Women filled with shame, women fearing punishment, ridicule, or humiliation do this. Instinct-injured women do this. Sneaking is good for a captured woman only if she sneaks the right thing, only if that thing leads to her liberation. In essence, sneaking good and filling and brave pieces of life causes the soul to be even more determined that the sneaking stop, and that it be free to lead life out in the open as it sees fit.

While we could rightfully be proud of the soul brave enough to try to sneak a something, an anything, under such drought conditions, the fact remains that that alone cannot be the sole issue. A whole psychology has to include not only body, mind, and spirit, but also, equally, culture and environ. And in this light, it must be asked at each level how it came to be that any individual woman feels she has to cringe, flinch, grovel, and plead for a life that is her own to begin with."

(pages 236-240.)

Reflecting.

Last night I was priviledged to be a part of a real-life Dream unfolding.

A sister-friend of mine is writing a book, a collection of stories of her Life experiences on the Road. It is incredible. Magic. Brimming and overflowing with Light and the beauty of a believing heart who has Surrendered.
In order to fund a printed version of her book, she is recording her stories onto CD, in order to raise the funds she needs, and to begin to share her stories with the world.

She asked me to read and sing them for the recording.

I am so deeply honored to be a part of this project, which is something I believe in with all of my heart. And it was one of the most precious experiences of my whole Life, to sit around a fire, in the company of friends and family who love and support her as well, and to experience her stories and lessons through reading them aloud.

Oh man.

I.....

hate.......

FAX MACHINES!!!!!!!!!!!

when i say this in my head-(i can't very well scream it out in the library can i??) it sounds like how it might sound if I were standing in a huge cavern...it echos loudly and rumbles angrily.

now that you know how the acoustics in my head sound- (cavernous?!) i will humbly apologize for being a wing-nut-walking-the-edge-on-a-friday-afternoon-stuck-in-an-office-with-no-real-light-or-air, and bid you adeiu.

Adeiu.

Que Verguenza.

As i sit typing this, my cat has jumped onto the desk and decided to display herself, in all her feline glory, in front of the computer screen. Now that she's the center of attention, she stretches and yawns and looks at me, as if to ask, "So, whatcha doin'?"

Shameless.

Sometimes i wish i could write everything. Every thought, every feeling, every confusion, everything. Just to get it out of my head.

Sigh.

...working on a new song. that's exciting.

"you each time"

the answer to each moment must be yes

and the question: can you live with that?

becomes the test

so you weigh it against the aching in your chest

and that secretly relenting emptiness

so my heart finally broke

it was so long bent

and it broke in three places

when it finally went

and you talk it out and you talk it down

but your eyes are not listening

and my ears are running around

looking for another song to sing

but it is you each time-

it is you.

Grumpa, Grumpa.

(...una hermana mia made up that word because "grumpy" doesn't translate well into Spanish. Saying "Grumpa-grumpa" in a grouchy voice with a squished-up face is much more satisfying than the actual word en espanol. Jaja! )


I'm Grumpy. It's true. I'll blame it on the weather. (the East Bay is completely overcast and cold today....Hello? August??)

Last night, I decorated a big manila envelope into which I put all the paperwork I would need today. I hate paperwork and "to-do" lists and organization in general...which could pose a problem in the coming months seeing as those are the very skills needed to interact with the grown-up world.

My solution? Integrate all the creative, fun stuff i love and am naturally good at to help balance all these boring, dry tasks that are hard for me. It just may keep me afloat...

So, I spent close to an hour decorating this envelope and writing inspiring qoutes on it. It was very fun and it helped a lot this morning. I wrote a big "GOOD MORNING!" on the top so i would see it as soon as I opened my grouchy little eyes.

Now only if it could greet me with a cup of coffee.....

"If not now, when?"

SOLA.

i feel like i'm disappearing
into the many roles
that so many demand of me
i feel like i am losing substance
losing something
essential,
my vibrancy has been turned down
like the volume on a stereo
and my voice is faltering
a shadow of my self
waits on the wall to my right
she's asking me to run
asking me to fly
asking me to shed everyone
and leave in the middle of the night
but
shadows can't be trusted
(they won't even show their face to the light)
they disappear as quickly as they come
maybe that's why
her voice is so tempting
she knows my fight-or-flight
tendencies
like her own
and i don't want to live a shadow's life
but
the distance between thriving
and surviving
is growing
widening
and i'm stuck out on some rocky crag
in the middle
of the rift.

why does life here always feel like i am dividing myself into parts????

who am i staying here for?
not me,
that's for damn sure.

i stay because i feel guilty.
i stay because i think i should feel more "responsible".
i stay because i fear going.

it's a little disheartening to realize
that your anchor isn't where you left it-
i have tried to forge so many people
into something heavy to hold me here
but no one wants to be an anchor
they've all got their own ships their sailing
so,
all that is left is
Me.

Me
who has moved over 8 times in the last 4 years,
who has left family and friends in different cities, different states, different countries.
who hears the wind howling at night and longs to follow.

Me
who likes security and safety,
who thinks in terms of timelines,
who wants to be accepted and loved and forgiven
for leaving in the first place.


Me
who fears to go.

Me
who fears to stay.

Weird.

can't i just make it beautiful?

can't i just show it just so....
that you'll do what i want you to?
ha!
there comes that control again-
a sneaky little thing
like a weed-
sprouts quietly,
and then chokes everything.

sometimes
i can't tell
the best from the worst of me.

and i feel like a child
who needs a hand to hold,
like i'm standing in front
of a funhouse mirror
bearing my soul-

sore and twisted around
looking back on myself
with compassionless eyes
and a sour mouth,
aching and bruised
though i can't tell
if they're new
or still bleeding
internally
from
days long past.

-sigh-
it's weird to be back.

How I Feel Tonight.

friend of mine,

how i long to see you free-
to see you walking your own path,
singing your own song,
in your own voice.

i hear you praising the rollercoaster
that is now your life
and i think,
rollercoasters are extreme and
the constant crashing
and soaring heights
seem less and less
like cycles
and more like
power struggles.

friend of mine,

as your body bleeds
asking for your attention-
howling for your most tender care-
i see you sniffing the wind
chasing some elusive scent
of a man who has never been there,
and off you go-
running after his shadow again
the lingering scent
and the sense
that yes, he has just passed by here
are not enough to keep you warm.
not enough to fill you.
not enough to free you.

and the trail that he leaves
will not lead you
back to yourself.
only further away.

From a little before the New Year....

i climb the
winding staircase
to the inner room-
isolated, silenced,
She waits for me there.
like a princess from a
hundred different fairytales,
locked in the highest tower
behind insurmountable castle walls-

but She is different.

She is the princess of all
things Wild-
of the brush
the bramble
the thorns
of the raging river's swell,
her Mystery is shadow, night-
her majesty, the raven's wing
the Moonlight-
and She has long been howling
behind precipice and stone
long been waiting for my
Loba ears to grow-
and recognize Her voice.

growing restlessness and impatience
signals
some new initiation
as i peer
through the window
into this room
that is my heart.

oh anais!

rapture
pure bliss
all these poems
dancing
in my head
in my heart
splattering
onto the page
and with a
melody
behind them
playing sweetly
melting my
pain
into a puddle
that i splash in
like a child

the magic of music
i believe
is its ability
to show us
all the way
down to the soul-
that we
are not
alone.

Speechless

You
Holy Mother
Baba Yaga
She Who Hears the Cries of the World-
Skeleton Woman
Kali
Abuela

You who know my heart
my body
my soul
You who give Life, give Death, and give Life again
I am cradled
in your voluptous flesh,
a child of
your Womb-

from there have I come,
and to there I will return.

Over and over.

and i know
my mind is made of matter
but i need to know
exactly
what is the matter
at it's core,
because my heart
is just a muscle-
yes,
and simply put,

it's sore.

I Want to Cry.

Big heaving sobs. The kind of cry that leaves you with an aching head, puffy red eyes, and a chest cavity that feels just a little bit lighter.

Life is such a beautiful teacher, but sometimes I just need an effing break. And to be perfectly honest, there are some lessons I don't want to learn, dammit. I don't. They're big and they're scary and I don't know if I can handle it.

Sometimes I feel so deeply conflicted and what I desire always seems to fall on two extreme sides of the same spectrum simultaneously. I am a walking duality, constantly.

And then there's the issue of asking of myself what I would ask of others. I want freedom, but I don't want to give it. I want to not be judged, and yet I judge. And the list goes on and on. No joke.

Days like today don't negate or invalidate those Magical ones, when everything is beautiful and I have understanding. In fact, I know those days couldn't exist without days like this one, and vice-versa.

But man, it's hard not to run away.

I have an overbearing and too-well-fed 'Fight or Flight' mechanism in me--and I feel like I don't even know what my other options are. I'm looking for them. I need them desperately...cause this is exhausting.

Unexpected.

somedays 

are like that

-Magic-

full of twists and 

turning corners

surprises just waiting

around doorways,

delight hiding

in the cracks and crevices

of the wreckage of

how it was

'supposed to go'-

days like today

make me Believe.

in the goodness of people

in Providence

in synchronistic moments

days like today

help me to see-hear-taste-touch

the very fiber of existence

while it is

being woven

into a tapestry of Life,

whose beauty i can 

barely contain.

HARTA

Maybe yo necessito escribir en una lengua diferente para espresar lo que esta pasando en mi vida, en mi corazon, en mi alma.  

Maybe tengo que dejar esta manera de expression.

Maybe nunca quiero comunicarme con nadie de mi pasado.  Just Maybe.

Yo no se lo mejor en este momento, pero yo se que estoy HARTA con cada persona que escriba aqui quien quiere defender un religion, una dogma, y no tiene el espacio para permitar una persona tener su opinion y escribir en cada parte de su Journey.

Paz Ya'll.

GET FREE.

Radical.

i am tired of driving
home
to a hot empty apartment
whose silences
echo
in my four-chambered
heart.
for me
there is no home-coming
except to that secret place-
the space
i hold
for myself.

an apartment is just
four walls-
and with no one
inside them
but me,
it has become
a pleasant
luxury.


"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet [God] feeds them.
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"

...that's in Matthew 6, along with "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth..."



(trying not to hurl myself headlong into a raging rant about the hypocracy and direct confliction i see in American Christianity.....oh, it hurts... compassion Rachell, compassion. phew.)

Why I Choose to Shave

- There is this invigorating energy rush to your head- a clarity of vision that comes. It feels like facing the world lighter, freer, and unobstructed.

- Men stop whistling, hooting, staring, drooling, and acting like you're not a sentient human being. In fact, the only attraction/attention I get from any man when shaven is deeply respectful, almost honoring.

- It makes me look at myself, hard. It helps me to see within myself where I am still buying into ridiculous, superficial ideas about beauty; the dynamics in my relationship to other women, men, and myself are illuminated in such a way that I can see unhealth where it lies.

- It feels good, dammit.




It's also a little like becoming a walking social experiment. It is such a trip to see how people respond to you. Good and bad.
It reveals so much about who they are and what is important to them.

Also, it is very empowering, especially this time around. I feel bold, full of strength and courage. A little fierce. (Necessary at times.)
I feel more my own than I ever have, Ever.
And, I feel Beautiful.




Love.

Hey!

I have become one of those people that never writes anything new on their blog.
How did that happen?
...What have i become??

Lack of internet and an unreliable computer will do that to you , I suppose. Oh well. :)

I've just recently returned from a short stint in New Mexico with Tommy. When i say short, i mean really, really, really short. 5 days. which is really just one big heart-tease, in more than one way.
And you really shouldn't tease your heart.
It's not a very nice thing to do.

I've been moving slower. Which is good. Taos reminded me of that for sure- Life doesn't have to race at breakneck speed all the time. Sometimes, living here, i feel crazy because i will spend a morning alone, in my apartment, moving at my natural (slower) speed-- and when i step outside, everything and everyone is moving so fast it makes me dizzy.

Taos reminded me that i'm not crazy. That it's you people who are the crazy ones.


I joke. just a friendly little joke....



....you rushing fiends.


working on a new song. pretty chords, good pattern, just can't seem to decide what it's about. I've got three different verses almost completed- but they're about very different things and i'm having a hard time deciding between them. i think it's because i haven't been writing that much (obviously) and so know that my pen is finally hitting the page, everything's trying to come out at once.


Anyway Folks, I'll try to post more often and perhaps be a little more interesting. ;)
Paz y Amor a todos.

Great song, Trina.

Thank you.
I forgot how much Tom Waits blows my mind. he's amazing.


Dont go to church on sunday
Dont get on my knees to pray
Dont memorize the books of the bible
I got my own special way
Bit I know jesus loves me
Maybe just a little bit more

I fall on my knees every sunday
At zerelda lees candy store

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied

Well I dont want no anna zabba
Dont want no almond joy
There aint nothing better
Suitable for this boy
Well its the only thing
That can pick me up
Better than a cup of gold
See only a chocolate jesus
Can satisfy my soul

When the weather gets rough
And its whiskey in the shade
Its best to wrap your savior
Up in cellophane
He flows like the big muddy
But thats ok
Pour him over ice cream
For a nice parfait

Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Good enough for me
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Good enough for me
Well its got to be a chocolate jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate jesus
Keep me satisfied.


also check out "Way Down in the Hole" by him.

old song.

from my childhood. from some muppets movie, i think. Jaja! how strange- such an unlikely source of wisdom. :)


when the Spirit says move,
you gotta move.

when the Spirit says sing,
you gotta sing.

when the Spirit says Dance!
you gotta dance
when the Spirit says Dance!
you gotta dance,
when the Spirit says dance
you gotta dance, oh lord-
when the Spirit says Dance!
you gotta dance.

Teachers.

"She's So Heavy..."

can you hear those crazy Beatles harmonizing in your head? i can.


i have been so heavy lately. ugh.
like quicksand-living. that's as close as i can come to describing it accurately.
like carrying boulders while your feet start sinking into the ground. every step you try to take to climb out of it, or at least to stay-ground level, only creates the suction that pulls you in deeper.

phew. it's heavy just writing about it.

it's times like those that i need to be more still, i think. to sit quietly, to wait it out- let it pass over me. instead of identifying with it, and possibly even selfishly indulging a bit...like a pig rolling in it's pen-- yes, it may be satisfying, but it's still mud and shit that you're indulging in.

i was thinking back to 'Tuesdays with Morrie', a book i read in one of John's Humanity classes. in it Morrie explains his understanding of the pratice of "detachment." he talks about not being able to let go and release emotions, even anger and sadness, until one has felt them fully.
i cannot let go of sadness if i have denied it's existence by refusing to feel it.

makes sense to me.

i went to the forest the other day. not even 5 minutes in, i could feel my soul quieting. breathing. remembering.

i need to go there as often as possible, i really do. it's so close to mi casita, it's ridiculous not to. It helps me so much. i have been feeling more connected to the forest than i have to the ocean, if that's possible. i think it's the trees.

i had this thought, while sitting on the forest floor, looking up at the Redwoods towering over me;

the trees are our elders.

and it's true- probably every tree in that forest is at the very least half a century older than i am. they have seen so much change- more than i can imagine.

and they dance.

you should see them- when the wind moves through them, at the top, they sway back and forth. more than you would think physically possible. it is so beautiful.
it reminds me of the ani lyric "what doesn't bend, breaks."
it helps me so much to watch those trees dance like that- with such grace. the wind, a mighty force, is pushing and pulling on them- if they were to resist it's movements they would break and die. but because they don't, because they are able to bend, to give, to surrender to the movement of the wind- they live on. they grow. they dance.

if only i were as wise as those trees.

Writing.

"It's funny the things you remember, in retrospect.
The bits of conversation, the intensity of emotions of a single moment, the exchanges and relations. Things that at the time, rustled in your chest, whispering significance. Things that at the time, you were unable to place in the order of things, within the context of your Story.

As I look back over the last five years of my life, and back even further still, I can see a thread, thin and almost indistinguishable at times, strong and taut at others. I wonder sometimes how those moments seem to know their own importance and embed themselves in our memories.
I am searching for this thread, finding the places where it is the strongest and most clear in order to trace it back through the thickets and brush, through the times and places in my Life where it was weak and faltering and so much harder to see. I am searching for the thread of my Story, in order to understand myself. In order to flesh out the bones and weave this thread into a tapestry of Life. Of My Life.

When we have sought and gained understanding of our own thread, our own Story we can perhaps better understand our place in the World, in the Weaving of Stories and find the ground to stand on in order to share those stories to mend tears and bridge divisions, to create healing and more Life.
Always more Life.

And so, i have found myself here. In the midst of a gut-wrenching, jaw-aching, tear-streaming struggle. A struggle of deep gratitude and joy- for I am laying out the groundwork of my Life, working out Who I Am and what it is I Am here for. "

...that's a bit of writing from awhile back. good to re-read, possibly expand upon. For this latest class I've been taking I had to write a spiritual autobiography. I was thinking about posting it.

Raincheck.

baby, you're right as rain
about the benefits,
but you might be wrong
about the cost-
and it feeds my heart
that you came
looking for me,
but i'm thinking i need to stay lost.

and i know my mind is made of matter
but i need to know exactly
what is the matter at it's core,
because my heart
is just a muscle-
yes, and simply put,
it's sore.

so nevermind about the benefits
nevermind about the costs
that don't change the basic premises
in which i am surely lost.


-ani.

Today.

Eyes brimming
vision swimming with a
hundred thousand
faces
i've been camping
on the border-line
of a meltdown
for hours now,

'Hello, how are you?'
'Oh, just fine.'

rehearsed responses
stale speech
with little weight
and no
meaning,
we bounce off
each other's bumpers
like those
silly
bumping cars-

driving in circles,
crashing head-on
with strangers,
no
destination
that
we
know
of.


someone
once told me
that
'breakdowns lead to breakthroughs'
but
i've been
breaking down
every couple'adays
now
and i'm beginning to wonder,
Where exactly
is
through?


all my lines are
curvy,
waxing and waning-
i move like the
Earth,
surely but slowly-
and i wonder
if She
struggles with
boundaries
the same way that
i do-
cause we've walked all over
Her,
giving no thanks thats
due her
glorious body-

and to the surface of
my
skin-like crust
rise bruises
like continents-
swimming
in the oceans
of my
discontent,

and i am trying.
i
am
trying.

WILLING TO FIGHT.

THE WINDOWS OF MY SOUL

ARE MADE OF ONE WAY GLASS

DON'T BOTHER LOOKING INTO MY EYES

IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO KNOW

JUST ASK

I GOTTA DEAD-BOLT STROLL AND

WHERE I'M GOING IS CLEAR

I WON'T WAIT FOR YOU TO WONDER

I'LL JUST TELL YOU WHY I AM HERE

CAUSE I KNOW THE BIGGEST CRIME

IS TO JUST THROW UP YOUR HANDS

AND SAY THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME

I JUST WANT TO LIVE AS COMFORTABLY AS I CAN

YOU GOTTA LOOK OUTSIDE YOUR EYES

YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE YOUR BRAIN

YOU GOTTA WALK OUTSIDE YOUR LIFE

TO WHERE THE NEIGHBORHOOD 

CHANGES

TELL ME WHO IS YOUR BOOGEY-MAN?

THAT'S WHO I WILL BE

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIKE ME FOR WHO I AM

BUT WE'LL SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF

BY WHAT YOU MAKE OF ME

I THINK IT'S ABSURD

THAT YOU THINK I AM A DERELICT DAUGHTER

YOU KNOW I FIGHT FIRE WITH WORDS

WORDS ARE HOTTER THAN FLAME

WORDS ARE WETTER THAN WATER

I GOT FRIENDS ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY

I GOT FRIENDS IN OTHER COUNTRIES TOO

I GOT FRIENDS I HAVEN'T MET YET

I GOT FRIENDS I NEVER KNEW

I GOT LOVERS WHOSE EYES 

I'VE ONLY SEEN AT A GLANCE

I GOT STRANGERS FOR GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN

I GOT STRANGERS FOR ANCESTORS

I WAS A LONG TIME COMING-

I'LL BE A LONG TIME GONE

YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE

TO DO SOMETHING

AND THAT'S NOT VERY LONG

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A CALL

WHEN YOU DECIDE YOU'RE 

WILLING TO FIGHT-

FOR WHAT YOU THINK IS REAL

FOR WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT.

-ANI

O Sensitive Heart.

co-dependent for the world-
i am
feeling
every
little
thing
so,
so
deeply.

i see the pain in other people's eyes
and the place between
my
sternum and spine
aches
with it.

Thoughts on a Friday Afternoon.

It's funny looking back on who you have been in different periods of your life.
Who you were at that moment, and also the thread that you can trace back that allows you to recognize a little bit of who you are now, in the person you were then.

I look back at the people I was with at one time or another, and I can see myself attracted to different people for different reasons at different times...based upon what was growing in me. Based upon what new self-knowledge I was gaining. I would never be with any of those people now, because I have grown to know myself more, and can see the poor match.

I think marrying someone before you know yourself is the worst decision you can make. I worry for all these young religious folks, who are getting married younger and younger...and for what? What's the friggin' rush??

(Just a guess, but i think the "abstinence" principle might have something to do with it.)

I no longer understand the rush to bind your life to someone else's- for the rest of your life.
And I say this as someone who wants to have a Life Partner that I grow old with. Living life together and growing old together is a powerful kind of Intimacy that I look forward to creating with someone, over years and years of laughter, growth, trials, and ever-deepening love.

Just get to know yourself first, kids. That's all I'm saying.

Surrender.

'to be crucified with Christ'
is what the
Sioux
were doing
before they had ever heard
that name.

today
i remember
that this, too,
is what Life is about-

how easily i forget.


Great Spirit,
thank you for your Goodness
your Kindness
your Tenderness.

Help me to walk in Humility.

Help me to remember what it means to Surrender.

On a Much Much Worse Note.

"Wish one of them would come to my house. They'd get a [such and such] gun to the head. I'd make them do a break dance they ain't never seen before."

Somebody* (whom i would like to punch squarely in the nose, but am very consciously and arduously trying to find compassion for) said this at Mon Cafe today.

And that's a direct quote.

The topic of conversation? The recent robberies in the area.



By far the most blatantly RACIST shit i have heard in a long time.
Not to mention so very, VERY ugly.

More Events of Note.

You haven't really lived in a place, until you have had your own personal get-down-dance party in it.
I am happy to say that such an event occurred in a certain Theater Apartment last night.

To Regina Spektor's "On the Radio."

Thank you, Regina. Thank you.

hon.es.ty

Dictionary.com tells me-

1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
3. freedom from deceit or fraud.


American Heritage Dictionary-

1. The quality or condition of being honest; integrity.
2. Truthfulness; sincerity: in all honesty.



"Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control." -Don Marquis (1878-1937)

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
-George Burns (1896-1996)

"We must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy."
-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)


“Honesty is the best policy. If I lose mine honor, I lose myself.”
-William Shakespeare ( 1564-1616)

“If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.”
-Proverb

"Honesty is the cruelest game of all, because not only can you hurt someone- and hurt them to the bone- you can feel self-righteous about it at the same time."
-Dave Von Ronk

"He who is passionate and hasty, is generally honest; it is your cool dissembling hypocrite, of whom you should beware."
-Unknown

"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
-Arthur C Clarke (1917-?)

"Honest people are easily deceived."
-Unknown

"Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty."
-Plato

"A true friend will tell you the truth to your face- not behind your back."
-Sasha Azevedo

"How painful are honest words!"
-Job 6:25

"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."
-Proverbs 24:26


So, what is it? A kiss on the lips? Or pain and cruelty?
Does a true friend say it to your face? Or do they shutup and sit tight and wait for you to learn your own lesson?
What is more profitable? To tell the truth or refrain? Either way, people are hurt. Which one hurts less and fewer people?

It is when we are lying to ourselves that we react violently to the truth being spoken.

How do we know when to speak and when not to?

If we choose to speak, we can only hope to be heard.

and If we choose to remain silent?

I don't know.

Pure Brilliance.

"I don't know kara-te, but i know kuh-raaazy!"

-James Brown

Events of Note

So, living alone.

Very fun, actually. it's funny the little conversations we have with ourselves, the ones we aren't even aware of most of the time.

First Event of Note: Creative Surge.
I have been super creative. I made this collage for my sister, something i have been meaning to do for a long time. And there is so much more inspiration and ideas just waiting to be birthed!

Second: Pampering- Without Apology!
So, last night I was up doing my thing, when i had the hankering for avocado and hummus with sharp cheddar on black bread toast. And a glass of wine. And dark chocolate. The funny little conversation went something like this-
'But I can't eat that- it's so late! And that's so...so, Luxurious.'
'True, very true. But what's wrong with that??'
'Yeah, what's wrong with that? I'll do it!'

And so, i did. and it was delicious. and it made me feel good. i think we should be good to ourselves like that more and indulge a little in the simplicities that make us feel good.

Also, I've been playing this game with myself. The first time I took a shower at my new place I happened to look up at the shower head to see the acronym, RSA. I have no idea what that actually stands for, but the game I've been playing is this:

When I'm in the shower I think of possible definitions of the acronym and make little declarations in my head, such as-

"Rachell Stands Alone!"
and
"Rachell Secures Autonomy!"

for those of you who might be worried about me, i assure you, this isn't the lonely psychobabble of a woman gone mad,
but rather the inner dialogue of a woman who is enjoying her own company.

The Process of Moving...

as i move through the house,

removing my things

it feels as if i am removing myself

as well,

little by little

gathering myself

back into my arms.

and my boxes are titled

by the content,

full of things

written in coded text

like so many memories

packed up and waiting

for my

next

adventure.

the scratches and chips

on my furniture

tell a history

of quick escapes

and near misses,

of searching

and searching

and searching

for home.

i look at all my shit

fondly,

and remember

people and places,

surprises

excitement

lessons

sorrow and

delight

i re-member myself

from the stories

that they tell.

and i think i'm beginning to like

all that is

bittersweet,

the sweet makes the bitter thicker-

wrapped around my tongue

it tastes like being alive,

while the bitter makes the sweet

just that much richer-

and i savor each moment

here

with you.

Thoughts Today.

If generosity is not extended to everyone, it is not true generosity.

If compassion is not extended to everyone, it is not true compassion.

In no way do i claim to embody the highest understanding of generosity or compassion.

but i think this is what we are here for.   

What is Love if not a spirit of generosity and a deep compassion towards all creatures?

What are we doing here if it is not learning how to Love?

this idea that life is a burden to bear, something to endure, until we die and finally can be happy and have peace is missing it completely.   

We are in the joyous bliss of creation, it's glory permeating everything around us, seeping into every cell.  

We are partaking in the wondrous dance of the cosmos, universe beyond universe beyond our understanding. 

We are God expressing and experiencing, Himself.

(Herself, Itself--that doesn't matter either.)

We have the sacred opportunity to learn how to Love each other, and in doing so, God.

This Time, Last Year.

What a gorgeous day it has been.
Woke up with some yoga and qigong stretches and fed my body a delicious home-made smoothie. Did some light organizational stuff around the house and then went for a barefoot walk in the LIFE-GIVING, INCREDIBLE sunshine that graced us with its presence today.
Ate lunch at this funky little falafel shack with my Love and then walked around Park St. for awhile, doing nothing in particular.
Beautiful, just beautiful.

I was thinking about the time of year we find ourselves in, as winter is giving way to spring; death in to life. And with Good Friday yesterday (also the Full Moon and Spring Equinox) and Easter tomorrow, I thought it might be nice to repost my entry from last year.

here goes.


"Thinking about Easter, and it's deeper symbolic meanings...From darkness into Light, from death into Life. A rebirth of sorts. At least for those of us living, here, now. Thinking about the ways in which i want to live my life and the way i want to love. Choosing not to despair, not because there is no sorrow, but because this Life is precious and beautiful and sacred.
Saturday, the day inbetween, is always the darkest. Like those last few hours before morning.
But the light always comes, Life always comes. I am seeing this acted out in nature all around me, the snow is melting, the buds on the trees have begun to open. When i open my eyes in the morning, the birds are outside singing songs of the Spring to come.
We are never in darkness forever.

I thank God this day for all of Creation, for every living thing, for each person i encounter, know, love. And those whom i haven't met, and might not ever. Living at the hostel, i meet people from all walks of Life, every background imaginable, every path taken unique. And it is BEAUTIFUL. breaktakingly so. We are a pathwork quilt of Humanity- all living together and connecting with each other, helping each other. I am continually amazed at how fragile people are- how delicate and tender we all are underneath, inside. It has deepened my respect for people and their experiences. We can learn from everyone we interact with, if we see them through eyes of humility. if we allow them to teach us.

And today especially, i think about God's mercy and lovingkindness. And i think that God, outside of all our constructed boxes, is Eternal and perfect Compassion.
And that we have no idea what that really means.

I condemn no one. I have no place.
Rather, i try to greet every human being as the exquisite creation that they are. And see where God's scuplting fingers left imprints in the clay.

This inbetween Saturday,
May you be Blessed
to know sorrow,
so that when the Joy comes
you will recognize it
and leap into it's arms.

May you be Blessed
to know darkness,
so that when the dawn
peeks it's head over
the last few remaining stars,
you will dance
with anticipation
and utter abandonment
into the Light of morning.

May you be Blessed
to know winter,
it harsh cold
and heavy silence,
it's frost on your heart-
so that,
when the buds of new growth
sprout
you will not complain
of the pain of transformation,
but instead sing out
with newfound Joy and gratitude-
as all the frost melts away
and you find yourself
to be more
Alive
than ever before.

On this Saturday inBetween,
May you be Blessed."

Moved to Tears.

Barack Obama's speech in Philadelphia.

Gratitude and Inspiration.

i can hear it humming

something good is on its way

i feel a pulse in my chest

my heart pumping out the rhythms

of something ancient

waking up

in me

and when the woman spoke tonight

of circles and centers

something in me smiled

in recognition

at the light burning in her eyes

the joy that emanated from her being

i know that light

it glows

warm

like a candle's flame

like the embers

of a thousand ancient fires

still burning

in me

i can hear it singing

good things are on the way

voices raised united

dancing through darkness

into the dawn.

there is something unspeakably beautiful

about a woman who is fully herself, fully her own

speaking her truth.  

she is vibrant and alive, an embodiment of the Divine.

fully, breathtakingly, Woman.

The paper I am currently writing for my Women's Spirituality class is focused around the issue of anger.   Specifically, Women's anger at the oppression and atrocities that befall us simply because of our gender and how that anger plays out in our spirituality and lives. 

Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote, 

"Even raw and messy emotions are a form of light, crackling, bursting with energy.  We can use the light of rage in a positive way, in order to see into places we cannot usually see.  ...All emotion, even rage, carries knowledge, insight, what some call enlightenment.  Our rage can, for a time, become our teacher...a thing not to be rid of so fast, but rather something to climb the mountain for, something to personify, learn from, deal with internally, then shape into something useful in the world as a result, or something we let go back down to dust.  In the wild life, rage is not a stand-alone item.  It is a substance waiting for our transformative efforts."

when we are able to do this, when we can transform our rage and anger into compassion,

the effect we will have in the world will be astounding.  

change will come and we will be a force of unimaginable strength.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

I~ GOT~AN~ APARTMENT!!!!!! THE ~COOLEST~ APARTMENT~ EVER!

Me

family comes in many forms

from many places

i have known such love

shining in so many faces

how many brothers and sister have I

how many mothers and fathers

truly- blessed- am I

truly- blessed- am I

we dwell in separate houses

call upon different names

we worship at different altars

but the Source is the same

how many brothers and sisters have I

how many mothers and fathers

truly- blessed- am I

truly- blessed- am I

Ani

looks like my crazy family

is down one crazy daughter cuz

i'm shipwrecked in a desert that

once was underwater just

looking for a swift turn of phrase

some colors to fly

as i float by

in the parade

plus i dream in skin scented sentences

of a stronger faster fiercer you

and to each noun, verb and predicate

i dedicate a vivid hue

but you ain't done too well

getting past your permanent pastel

have you now?

yes, the desert seemed so promising

and then it paled somehow

so school is in session

get your chin off your desk

now pick up your pencil

and turn over your test

use your education

and take an educated guess

about me

plus i have this whole new family

and i'm in love with each of them

and i'm on this list called lucky

whenever i'm in reach of them

and i'm learning how to say

that i'd be happy either way

with your love

so school is in session

get your chin off your desk

now pick up your pencil

and turn over your test

use your education

and take an educated guess

about me

By the Way..

All credit for that photo is due Colt Bender, an amazing photographer and pretty cool guy.

Also, the title for the post is 1) my personal sentiments of that moment and 2) reference to a Nina Simone song.

Thank you and Good Night.

How I Feel.

Be still, be still.

When human love is limited and even wounding,

the Beloved comes near

and holds me.

Solidaridad.

Solidarity.

Shit.

Check out this story.

Has anyone else noticed a major-crack down on small groups of activists/protesters???

At the No Borders Camp in Calexico there was what can only be described as utter brutality and aggressive, violent force used against a group of peaceful, unarmed protesters.
(PLEASE watch this video, I know it's hard.)

I also heard reports of injuries (requiring hospitalization) at the Anti-War/Anti-Recruitment protest in Berkeley.

If student protests, like the one in Santa Cruz, are being met with this kind of aggression and intimidation tactics, (these people were practically being held hostage in their house all day!!!) then I think it's time to worry. When the official report comes back on that one, don't be surprised if the word "terrorist" gets thrown around. Shit.

The video footage of the police ATTACKING peaceful people in Calexico, is actually, personally, very hard to watch. I met many of those people- they are beautiful, beautiful human beings. The only thing more horrifying than watching it happen, is the fact that NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT. I remember coming back into the states and being outraged that no major news network had even MENTIONED it. None of those Border Patrol (La Migra) officers have been chastised or penalized, let alone brought to justice.

For more information and video footage of the Camp, check out their website at:

http://noborderscamp.org/

Burning.

Como vas a quitarle, una Madre de su Hijo?
(How can you take her, a Mother from her Son?)
Como vas a decirle que se tiene que ir?
(How can you tell her that she has to leave?)
Loca es la cultura que confunde esas cosas-
(The culture that confuses these things is Crazy.)
Loca esta cultura- lo hay que decir??
(This culture is crazy- what is there to say?)


It's time to say it loud-
We Have Lost Our Fucking Minds.
you can't tell me that you are proud.
La Migra storms into a crowd-
grabs a mother by the neck.
they tell her she is not allowed
to here remain with her child.

The mother weeps beyond the fence
they have torn her from her son
victims of brutal circumstance
the child was born on hostile land
where they say she can't belong-
how can we understand
a loss so very very wrong?

It's time to build a new Underground Railroad
We can't go on playing deaf and blind
It's time to build a new Underground Railroad
El Rio Grande is the new Mason-Dixon line

"Give me your Tired and your Poor,"
cried the Lady with the torch
and then she Slammed her Iron Door
She built a Wall, she's waging War
fills the Minute Men with glee-
they have their share
but they want more,
Not So Brave and Not So Free

It's time to build a new Underground Railroad
We can't go on playing deaf and blind
It's time to build a new Underground Railroad
El Rio Grande is the new Mason-Dixon Line.

-music and lyrics by: Earl J. Rivard Jr. and Earl J. Rivard III

Help......me.............

Looking for a place, may in fact, make me COMPLETELY INSANE.

I had to hang up on what I had thought to be, possibly, a potential landlord because he not only kept me on the phone for an obscene amount of time by repeatedly asking the same questions over and over, but then asked me if I was "hispanic" because that was what he was "getting from me."
The clincher? He then went on to explain how he is unable to tell any "asian" people apart.

Click.

You gotta be kidding me.

Community as Resource?

If anybody hears or knows of someone who is renting out their place

or of someone who is looking for a roomate...

please let me know!

On Second Thought...

I am going to start seriously investing in educating the boys, the young and grown men that I come into contact with in my Life, about what it means to respect Women.

I going to invest in encouraging all Girls and Women to love and respect themselves and speak up- loud and strong- in the face of injustice, sexism, and misogyny- wherever they are found. 

A Moment in A Woman's Life

Ok. I am going to be really real for a moment here.


I just entered the Library, where I am working. I am here early to meet my mom and print out a paper for my class. As I am approaching the front doors, heavy-laden with a book-bag, purse, and jacket, I notice a small group of boys hanging out by the cafe in front. At this time of day, with a jr. high right down the street, it is not uncommon for there to be large groups of pre-teens hanging out in and in front of the library. Not studying mind you, just hanging out.

As I am struggling to make it to the front door without dropping either my book bag or my purse, or both, this group of boys grows quiet. Quiet until one of them calls out, loud enough for the surrounding people to hear,

"Nice titties."

My heart dropped to my stomach. I'm thinking, you gotta be kidding me, right? I know a 12 year old boy did not just publicly disrespect me, a full grown woman. Not like that.
I felt that old familiar shame rising up from my belly, hot and cold at the same time. I could feel my face warm and my eyes, though covered in sunglasses, were glaring. I stopped and looked at these boys, and asked them straight out-

"Would you talk to your Sister that way?
Would you talk to your Mama like that?"

They stared and were silent, one boy protesting his innocence- obviously ashamed. I gathered my things and what was left of my somewhat shattered dignity and walked inside.

I had dressed up today, wearing a form-fitting yet classy shirt. A change from the "baggy-rags" i have been adorning myself with of late. It figures.

Seriously considering investing in some potato sacks.

Ugh.

i think i'm done gunnin' to get closer

to some imagined bliss

i gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

'course that star struck girl

is already someone i miss

Just Breathe.

condemned from public space

i sing

in the words from another's mouth

raging guitar

and pulsing bass

are not enough to calm me

today

i gotta tighten down on the lag time

Survivors are part turtle

we are part potato bug

we know enough to go fetal

til its still up above-

cause you gotta crawl through the desert

between when you can hear it

and when you can play it with your hands,

just a rendezvous with

whoever you are 

when you finally understand

i gotta tighten down on the lag time.

can't sit still

can't bring myself to breathe the air

of this shared space-

studying stones

trying to learn to be less alive

i've cut all of the pertinent wires

so my eyes can't make their connection

i am holding my breath

feigning my death

when i'm looking in your direction

cause Numb is an old hat

old as my oldest memories

its a skill 

i'd hoped to abandon 

when i got out on the open road-

there's never been an endeavor

so strange

as trying to slow the blood in my veins

to keep my face blank

as a stone that just sank

until not a ripple remains.

and welcome to:

this year's Alone

brought to you 

by valentine's day

it's not ok

i'm trying to make it so

but it's not ok

welcome to:

something like elation

when you first open your eyes

cause it means

you must have finally

got to sleep

last night

and today

i just can't play along.

i paint my face with blacks

and browns

a mask to the world

and a notice to myself:

i am not going to cry.

i am not going to cry.

i am not going to cry.

i am not going to cry.

Meister Eckhart and Rumi

It is a Lie

It is a lie- any talk of God

that does not 

comfort

you.

Rumi, Pay Homage

If God said,

"Rumi, pay homage to everything

that has helped you

enter my

arms,"

there would not be one experience of my life,

not one thought, not one feeling,

not any act, I

would not

bow

to.

So...

...today was a rough day.

Sometimes they just are, I guess.
Sigh.
Anyway, I found these quotes online and they made me smile, so i thought i would post them.


"Those who dance are thought to be quite insane by those who cannot hear music."
Maggie Erotokritou

"Re-examine all you have been told... Dismiss what insults your Soul."
Walt Whitman

I particularly like the last one, reminds me of a poem by Rumi which i will have to find and post.

I am taking a class. It feels really good. I didn't realize how much I had missed the academic world until recently. I am EXCITED about having projects due and assigned reading....yes, i said it, EXCITED. It's crazy. Perhaps I am ready to go back...

it certainly doesn't hurt that the class is "Women's Spirituality"...!

Truth is, i've never had a problem studying things that are of great interest to me--its the general-education-repeating-the-last-two-years-of-high-school bullshit that i can't stand. In all honesty, i only have one, at MOST, two semesters left to complete at community college, which i think i could blaze through with the prospect of ACTUALLY studying what I am interested in so very close.

Its funny, because as i talk to people about this, i get a couple of different responses, one of them being something like this, " PHEW! Great! Finally gonna get back on track with your life!" I mean, obviously this is not explicitedly said, but there is a distinct feeling of relief on their part.
It's very strange.

I look back over the last few years of my Life and i can honestly say that i have done MORE work during this time period of not being in school than i have ever done- in my whole Life.

More healing, more searching, transforming, and growing than at any other time in my Life. These years have been absolutely invaluable and i wouldn't go back and change anything, not one thing. I am a different person, and i am more Whole.

Also, i have a clearer idea of what my path might be, what pulls at my heart, what makes me more ALIVE than anything else...what my gifts are- and definitely what i do NOT want to do, or be, or have in my Life.

This Great Rush that our society is in has really swept by me and I am glad to watch it go. I think everyone here should be required to spend at least 3 months outside this country and then come back in, for some perspective. Or at least some culture shock. When i came back into California after my time in Mexico, we drove about 2-3 miles in towards San Diego and i was ready to jump out of a moving vehicle and make a run for it...

Something that has been coming up a lot recently:
**(to be read in the most utterly ridiculous grandiose voice you can muster, and with a little swagger, please.)**


"The Way Things Are~"


I refuse to go along with things simply because "This is The Way Things Are." ...what a crock of shit that is. Things are the way they are becuase we have made them that way. AND continue to do so, every day.

More and more lately the words of Gandhi have been echoing around in my head-

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

Honestly, I don't know what this all means for my Life- what it will look like. But that's okay right now. I just know in my heart that i have a life work ahead of me that i am being prepared for now- and that it's probably going to look crazy to most people, and that i will never make any money doing it. But that's okay, too.

I just want to Love God
and Love People,

and that's it.

I Wonder as I Wander out Under the Stars...

How do i begin to explain all of these things to you?

People whom i love and care about, people whom i honor and respect?

How do i begin to let you in on this Incredible Journey i have been on?  That i am still on, learning and growing everyday?

Many of you think i have "fallen away"- or become "lost" or some other term from the Christian language used to explain why i do not walk through those front doors on Sunday mornings and sit dutifully for an hour or so, listening.

How can i explain that which is known by no one but my innermost being?

How do i give words to that which is Unnameable?

How do i share these, the most precious treasures of my heart, without inviting debate or argument?

How do show you that i don't mean to change anyone's mind, that i am merely asking for the space to be?

Babel

i hold eternity

like a drop of water in my palm,

whole unto itself

i can hear it's fragile song-

it whispers sweetly

like the sound of the wind in the trees

all of Creation

suddenly seems to sing...

that

every Step, every Breath-

like a pebble on the Road,

and 

every Road, every Path

leads us Home-

call Him by any name

or even call It, She

hail from any nation

under any creed,

how arrogant to reinvent

God

in our own image

it only serves to build walls

fuels hatred and division-

Krishna Buddha Jesu Cristo

Pachamama Maheo

Mi Diosito Yahweh Jah

Goddess Holy One

yeah, Babel has fallen and we're all callin'

out the same name

in different tongues...

and

in the same way that every ray

leads to the sun-

in the same way that every stream

flows towards the sea-

every Step, every Breath

like a pebble on the Road

and

every Road, every Path

will lead us Home,

leads us Home.

Women Who Run With the Wolves

"The creation Mother is always also the Death Mother and vice versa. Because of this dual nature, or double-tasking, the great work before us is to learn to understand what around and about us and what within us must live, and what must die. Our work is to apprehend the timing of both; to allow what must die to die, and what must live to live." (p.32)


"What must I give more death to today, in order to generate more life? What do I know should die, but am hesitant to allow to do so? What must die in me in order for me to love? What not-beauty do I fear? Of what use is the power of the not-beautiful to me today? What should die today? What should live? What life am I afraid to give birth to? If not now, when?" (p.159)


-Clarissa Pinkola Estes

New Job

Literacy is a gift, a privilege even, that I take for granted.

What is more powerful than being able to express yourself?

And yet, maybe even that is wrong thinking...What thought is more powerful to a person who cannot read- that they will be able to be self-sufficient, independent, and empowered??

Or that they will be able to "express themselves"?  

Maybe it's the same.  Either way, what an incredibly powerful thing- Literacy.  

What a gift.

I read something tonight that nearly broke my heart.  Due to confidentiality issues, I am unsure of how much I can and cannot share here.  What I will say is that it made my heart ache in a way that it hasn't for a long time.   

This work is one of the most important things I have ever done.  

And work is not work when it is DEEPLY meaningful and is changing peoples' lives.

I am so grateful to have this opportunity.  Wow.

RANT. CAUTION: Do NOT Read If Easily Offended.

Ok. Probably not the best note to return on, but I'm being Real.

Today I am extremely pissy.

Yes, I said it. Pissy.

As in Agitated, Irritated, Annoyed, Frustrated, and generally Pissed Off.

Why?  Because I am Tired.  Both in the Physical-Didn't-Get-Enough-Sleep-Last-Night sense and the How-Much-Can-I-Really-Take sense.

I am SO Tired of Christian rhetoric. Language that doesn't mean ANYTHING in the real world.

I am Tired of the Judgement, the Disappointment, the Deep Lack of Compassion and Understanding that I have experienced both from individual Christians and the Church.

I am Tired of the Hypocrisy. (Not "Nobody's perfect" Stuff- but DEEP Hypocrisy that contradicts Jesus' Message at the CORE.)

I am Tired of Debates and Discussions with People who are already Decided, completely shut off, NOT listening, and unable to discuss any ideas that differ from their own because they are scared shitless.

I am TIRED.

All I want is Respect.  

Respect for my Experience of God and of Life. 

Respect for my thoughts and feelings.  

Respect for my Choice to not be involved in the Christian Church because I find it harmful to my Relationship with God and to my Relationship with Myself as a Woman.

I have Complete Respect for those who find their Way to God within the Christian Church.

I think that their Faith is Beautiful and Good.

All I want is the Same Returned.

Holy Shite.

What a ridiculous few weeks it has been.
I say ridiculous only because i cannot believe how much has happened in such a relatively short time.
Have come to some hard truths in the last few weeks, some of them concerning relationships in my life. For those of you who know me well you know that i am a deeply relational person- and when things aren't well, i'm not well.

i have also come to some incredibly beautiful realizations, too. Life changing, perspective altering realizations.

Then there's Mexico...jaja. I am leaving tomorrow evening on a Greyhound bus. Wow.
I will be participating in a demonstration for human rights and the free movement of all people. I am scared, excited, unsure of what to expect, and really REALLY happy to be crossing into Mexico to see my family and be at the orphanage again. Even if it is for a shorter time than i had hoped.

If my financial situation had a sound effect it would be the sound of the old, dying cars on cartoons...."puttputtputtputt..putt...putt...putt, puaaahhhhhh..." You know that animated exhale? the rattle of death??

sigh.

its ok. it has only served to squash lingering consumeristic tendencies and to reignite my drive and passion to create another way of life- sustainable and creative and beautiful.

with bee hives and lavender fields and community living.

and trees.

and a dog.


...think i'm crazy yet? jaja. It's okay. i'm gonna have to be at least a little crazy to fully realize my dreams.

i mean, i'm not dressing in animal skins and roaming the desert and eating locusts, right??


anyway- Paz y Amor a todos- I will be in communication as much as possible.
Love to All.
Raquel

Not All Who Wander Are Lost.

my mind a labyrinth of thoughts
blending twisting
flashes of faces
old places and
ways of being
so many letters to write
that i will
never
send
speaking now
for what was voiceless before
there is a need to ROAR-
dear Sisters,
ROAR.

learning fierce compassion
replacing
reaction
with kindness and grace
learning lessons
long avoided
in many ways.

trusting inner Knowing
inner Wisdom
inner Woman
i become more instinctual
lower to the ground
and crouching
tense
this
Animal
in me
is
Growing
and
i
love
it.

writing new songs
dancing
down
the street
there is a River of Creation
flowing
out of me.

Thank you God for inspiration
for breath
for realization
for rest
for All that This Is
for relationship
and understanding
for a too-big heart
for sensitivity
for sight

I reject no part of me
created inherently
in a Holy image

Thank you God
for You
in Me.

Rhythms.

The full Moon was so beautiful last night.

A Prayer.

Maheo, Pacha Mama, Creator, Mi Diosito-

i ask
for
nothing more
than a Compassionate
Heart-

a mouth that is slow
to speak,

understanding with which
to listen,

and hands that are quick
to give help.

Desert Longing

four wheel drive
a coyote crosses the road
and i slow

i forget how far
the turn off
is
from here
so i find the
silhouette in the distance
windows lit
a beacon of light
leading me home

i thank God
por la tierra
i leave the kitchen
just to walk around
outside
the house
with my shoes
off

i had almost
forgotten
the vastness of the sky here
the way the clouds
form
into indescribable
forms
and light plays
on the ground below

compost and kitties
grashoppers the size
of mice
whose wings sing
as they fly in short bursts
around the
yard

i can see the milky way
from the
front porch at night
while
bats sear the sky-
lightning bolts in
almost purple
flashes

thunder rolls out
as though
from the womb
of the Earth
herself
and it shakes the ground
i stand on-

not even my happiest days in the city
can compare
with the bliss

of this.

Home, Sweet Home

Hey All-
i am headed to Taos for the next 2 weeks....so i will most likely be out of touch with the technological world. Returning is a little bittersweet this time around, but i know it is going to be AMAZING no matter what.

My love to all-
'til i return,
Rach

Coffee and Wisecracks

The past couple of days have been a great reminder to me of why I love Mon Cafe.

On Friday afternoon water began pouring out of the bowl of the toilet and the wall where its line is attached, due to the archaic plumbing systems of the decrepit building that our lovely cafe in located in.

All the usual suspects show up- Joe, Wayne, Kelly, to help us get the situation under control. Hilarity ensued. They turned off every water meter they could find on the property, trying to discover the one that supplys water to Mon Cafe. Finally the main is located and the job gets done. Afterwards, on hands and knees, Kelly and Wayne cleaned up the bathroom floor.

Manami and I took pictures for the sake of evidential proof- that yes, sometimes, men will clean the bathroom.

This place cracks me up- i swear, the relationships that have developed, the characters who hang out here- its unreal. i love it.

Manami read my "fortune" for me the other day- Japanese astrology, perhaps? She is one of the most adorably animated people i know.

I think i'm going to start writing about individuals here- fictionalize a bit, but try to capture the essence of them.

So many more stories, i need to write them down as they happen. The one thing i am so impressed with about this place- is the sense of community here. It's incredible.

I'm happy today. Feel like maybe the clouds are parting a little. It nice, and needed.

A Few More...

Labor Day at the Cafe.

A little narcissistic? maybe. but with my sister? always hilarious. what a nut job. sucks to be laboring on this fine Labor Day but not so bad when it's with the Hoonster.

Oh man.

So i was looking at a qoutations page, reading some inspiring stuff and looking up those Gandhi quotes when i found this.

"I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up."
-Tom Lehrer


so funny.

Note to Self...

...read more about/by Gandhi.

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?"
-from "Non-Violence in Peace and War"


"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

Ronery...

....I'm so ronery.

What a weird day. Felt very dreamlike. Only not those euphoric, transcending the waking reality dreams...more like those being pushed around by unforseeable forces please wake me up now kind of dreams. Feeling very, nowhere. in-between. disoriented, perhaps?

Reguritated Forest Writing...perhaps to post the Original later.

dance this holy dance
with your arms spread wide
to welcome all experiences
as lessons
valuable and good

dance this holy dance
with compassion
and loving eyes
accepting those you meet
purely in the context of
themselves

Listen, listen.
to the trees, bending so as not to break
to the ocean, constant and changing
to the river, never flowing against itself
smoothing obstacles with patience and time

Listen, listen.
to the honking of horns
the screeching of brakes
the bumping stereos,
understanding that we could not appreciate the one
without the other
and that perhaps
what we perceive as disjointed dissonance
is in fact glorious harmony-

dance this holy dance
with joy in your soul
and laughter in your mouth
fears gathered
like so many children at your feet-
wrap your arms around them,
so they know that you
are there,
send them your kindness
and understanding,
and they will disappear.

dance this holy dance
as only you can-
and the whole of creation
will be forever
grateful
for the aspect
of divinity
that you reveal.

I Want to Do Something Beautiful.

And i'm not sure What that means yet.
with Who.
When.
How.
and all those other defining questions that have been persistent and unanswerable, haunting.

i feel like i am in the midst of giving birth to my Self- heaving and laboring to somehow knit together my experiences, my passions, the very core of me- into a Woman of unified purpose and a Life of love, compassion, and balance.

i feel also that i have ceased to speak the same language. not with everyone, but with many.

at times i catch a glimpse of it- all that could be. dreams of community, lavender fields, bees, music, art, and a sustainable way of living. these days are wonderful.
other times, i feel incompetent, incapable, and do not dare to hope that such things could come to pass. those days are me, at my lowest.

i think morale will improve when i am done working in Danville- i have had some encouraging turn around with the kids (ie: i'm not crying on my way home anymore) but the atmosphere can de very draining, even depressing.

a huge part too, i think is that i am in pieces- pieces still working towards the Whole. How do i integrate all that i love? all whom i love, may be the greater question.

its interesting- i will be overwhelmed by all those questions and then i take a step back and look at myself- and laugh til the tears come.

how ridiculous.
what is this all about here, despairing or dreaming???

c'mon rach, lighten up.

TOO THROUGH.

ugh.

Question

Anyone know how to fix bikes??

PEOPLE!!!

This may be a little late to post, BUT-

My buddy (and now roommate) Earl J. Rivard is playing tonight at the Pyramid Alehouse in Walnut Creek. He will be playing from 6:30-9pm. The Alehouse has great food, beer, and a beautiful patio/garden area where Earl J. will be playing.

Earl is AMAZING and if you can't make it this time around, i will be posting his upcoming shows very soon.
In order to get gigs like this he needs to pull a crowd- so coming out would not only be a good time, but also support for his beautiful music and livelihood.

Love and Thanks-

No Longer

give me mountains
give me trees
ocean waves crashing
sunlight caressing
give me fiery winds
and lightening storms
cool quiet breezes
rivers
and canyons

all these things remind me
that i am connected
that i am loved
and that things are simple

i think
sometimes theology
is just an exercise in ego
to the extremes we take it-
we've God figured out down to the letter
to the law
and after we've all made our points
we're more divided than before

The Magic of Children

Fiona, the youngest, greets me this morning with a big hug and seats herself on my lap. She leans in and smells me, "Did you take a showah today?"
"Yes," I reply.

"You smell like butterflies."

So Much Lately

So very much.
Again, from Life has arisen teachers and opportunities- synchronystic in nature and completely relevent to the issue at hand, which has been the grieving of my Uncle Joe.
It was something i suppressed when he died, almost three years ago now. At the time, there were some other major issues i was dealing with, and it would have overwhelmed me to feel it and go through it then.
But now, being in such a better place, it seems to have come up, very gently- asking for permission to be seen and felt.
And i have consented, finally.

One of the opportunities that arose was going to go see "The Man of la Mancha" at the S.F. Playhouse. This was my Uncle's favorite show, a mirror of his life in many ways. I ended up going with my dad, which was more wonderful than i could have imagined.

Healing within healing, circle within circle.

Needless to say i spent almost the entire play with tears streaming down my face in tides (waves, rivers, oceans, gushing geysers of grief- your choice). I had my dad on one side and a dear friend on the other. It was so good to sit next to my Pops and hold his hand- he was very sweet.

The whole night i felt like i was able to see my dad through the eyes of love and compassion. I saw him wholly- who he is, who he wants to be, and maybe a little bit of why. It was beautiful.

The next night, i got a message from him on my voicemail- and just started crying. His voice was loving and so tender. so, so tender. I felt like it was the voice i had been waiting to hear my whole life.

Healing within healing, circle within circle.
Ever widening, ever deepening.

I am so grateful.

Hmm.

some friends and i just recently started a writing group, and being both busy and used to not much technological connecion with folks, i have found myself blogging less and less.
feeling a little torn as to whether i will continue or not.

Anyone, Anyone?

Anyone out there have a small(ish) round kitchen table they are trying to get rid of?

What, Who, and How.

what is it exactly to re-create or re-imagine that which already exists? to make it one's own, right? to find a way in which it resonates with your innermost being, Who-You-Are inherently?

that is beautiful. but for it to become a missional work- isn't that the same thing the evangelicals are doing??
and to re-create the language that is used in this new context...and to have it become "THE" language, set of terms, way in which things are spoken of and understood...isn't that the same as any other organized establishment?

also, when does gathering and discussing move into action and living? or is that all intertwined? really i don't think talk is worth a damn thing.

do you think the study and discussion of theology could be defined as attempting to understand God through the intellect?

i wonder.
all just questions- i don't assume to know much.

"Follow" by Richie Havens

Let the river rock you like a cradle
Climb to the treetops, child, if you're able
Let your hands tie a knot across the table.
Come and touch the things you cannot feel-

And close your fingertips and fly where I can't hold you
Let the sun-rain fall and let the dewy clouds enfold you
And maybe you can sing to me the words I just told you,
If all the things you feel ain't what they seem.
And don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream.

The mocking bird sings each different song
Each song has wings - they won't stay long.
Do those who hear think he's doing wrong?
While the church bell tolls its one-note song
And the school bell is tinkling to the throng.
Come here where your ears cannot hear-

And close your eyes, child, and listen to what I'll tell you
Follow in the darkest night the sounds that may impel you
And the song that I am singing may disturb or serve to quell you
If all the sounds you hear ain't what they seem,
Then don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream

The rising smell of fresh-cut grass
Smothered cities choke and yell with fuming gas
I hold some grapes up to the sun
And their flavor breaks upon my tongue.
With eager tongues we taste our strife
And fill our lungs with seas of life.
Come taste and smell the waters of our time-

And close your lips, child, so softly I might kiss you,
Let your flower perfume out and let the winds caress you.
As I walk through the garden, I am hoping I don't miss you
If all the things you taste ain't what they seem,
Then don't mind me 'cos I ain't nothin' but a dream .

The sun and moon both arise
And we'll see them soon through days and nights
But now silver leaves are mirrors, bring delights.
And the colors of your eyes are fiery bright,
While darkness blinds the skies with all its light.
Come see where your eyes cannot see.

And close your eyes, child, and look at what I'll show you;
Let your mind go reeling out and let the breezes blow you,
And maybe when we meet then suddenly I will know you.
If all the things you see ain't what they seem-
Then don't mind me 'cuz I ain't nothin' but a dream .

And you can follow-
And you can follow-
follow...

Hmmmm.

So i know that a large part of the "having issues" here has to do with me wanting to run away from challenge. I feel like i am doing some really important (inner) work right now, some really major stuff. and its a little scary.

and a lot exhausting.

do you ever feel like, "Okay Life, i'm gonna take a little break now, just a breather, and i'll be back soon..."? i've been thinking about that the last couple of days. i feel like the last year has been lesson after lesson after lesson- forgiveness, healing, growth, challenges-- don't get me wrong, all good things. Amazing actually. i just feel tired now. like my soul-mind-body-spirit needs a little cat nap. you know, just maybe 'rest my eyes' for a few minutes.

so, this is where the resistance comes in, you know? i am feeling a little depleted too. its hard to face deep personal challenges when you feel like you JUST got done with the last one and you really don't know if there is any strength left in your tank.

the other part though is feeling like i don't fit in, feeling isolated and not relating to the culture and society around me. Life in New Mexico was a lot closer to the earth- more grounded and slower paced.

switching gears, almost.

i read this letter to the editor today in Danville's local newspaper complaining about a local charity group that feeds those who are hungry (lunches/dinner, groceries, etc.), i think its called "Fishes and Loaves" or something. The jerk who wrote this letter had an issue with all the "undesirable people" it was bringing to the neighborhood.

wow.

i found myself RAGING (inwardly) about the injustices of the distribution of wealth in this country (and in the world, really) and how some people can live so completely removed from the suffering of others- like this guy. how dare those poor people come and taint his neighborhood- he shouldn't have to see them or hear them, or even know they exist. he actually called them "dirty" in his letter.

furious, completely disgusted, and feeling helpless i drove around Danville blaring all the anti-war, anti-corporate, social justice Ani Difranco songs i could think of. borderline ridiculous, i know, but what else could i really do??
this place really wears on me.

anyway- more thoughts later, i guess. i just wanted to expound upon what i wrote the other day. gonna go pick up my girls and play in the park.
sandcastles and silliness sounds like a good remedy to me.

Breathe In, Breathe Out.

Since i have been home i have been really bad at getting in touch with people, and haven't really gotten together with anyone- please don't take it personally.
I am having ISSUES.

i feel homesick and restless and overwhelmed. at least once a day i have daydream fantasies of packing a bag, grabbing my guitar and without telling anyone- just TAKE OFF. drive away, alone.

that's not normal, right?

i absolutely and completely adore the children i am working with, but the city they live in sucks the life out of me- i feel like i am shrinking...though, i am holding my own here better than i was when i left, i guess thats good.

i'm not sure i fit in here anymore. this is really rough.

I'm BaaaAAAaaack.

Hey All-
i made it back to the bay area in one piece! (mostly). It only took two and a half days on a Greyhound bus! (NOT something i recommend to anyone who values the health of their back or their sanity). It was quite the experience.
whew. anyway.

I went to my sister's graduation last night- CONGRATS HOONIE! to anyone who knows and loves (how could you not?) the Hoonster- she has a blog now!! check out her link to the right....

moving back to the "big city" has been quite an adjustment, but i'm doing alright. to any around i'm planning on a SC beach trip on Friday......who's in?!?!? hit me up- email or you can call my parents house to get ahold of me.

love to all- and more writing later.
peace.

huele de lluvia.

the smell of rain.

this afternoon is deeply melancholy. the sky is overcast and the rainfall started a little while ago- too light to be exhilarating, too heavy to be out in it. The trees seem weary of the bounce-back between thunderstorms and sunshine.

this afternoon, i can relate.

do you ever have those days when you're down, feeling grey, with no real reason? i mean, it wasn't an exceptionally exciting day, but it wasn't that bad either. its just this middleground, inbetween, BLAH.

i think maybe its more internal than external, but then, where is it coming from internally? maybe it's a little bit of anxiety mixed with sadness. and a touch of apathy.

i don't consider myself an apathetic person by any means...but you know that feeling when you have a lot to do, prepare, think about, and yet no time to do it until tomorrow? that kind of feeling- kind of stuck or waiting or something.

Acceptance.

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself." -Andre Gide.

Something I Need To Say.

Papa, I am your daughter.

But i am more than that too.

I am a Woman
whose Heart speaks louder than
anything your discouragement
can say.

And She tells me
that happiness is more important than
some illusionary American dream.
that your support and understanding
is not worth my misery.
that Life is abundant
and my Mother will provide-
that money is not the end-all or controller
of my destiny and dreams.

And i will return to the place of my birth
different
and more grown than before,
as i come into my Self
and claim my Womanhood
for my own.

Mama forgive me for any distancing i must do
or have done,
please understand, it was never To you.
a necessary step in my path,
my journey towards
Me.
I adore you with all my heart-
honoring the Wild Woman in you
that has always nurtured
the Wild Woman
in me.

and Papa please understand, if you can find it
within you to do so-
that i am not your little girl anymore.

and that i cannot be anyone
but Me.

and i simply cannot search any longer for my self worth
in your approval or words-
and please know that my wandering feet
and searching soul
are not made
for the paths
that you have known.

So, here i am
slightly brokenhearted
and struggling,
knowing that the rock and hard place
i find myself between-
are neither one for me.
so i will slip out
quietly
and find some place
in the shade of my Creator's trees,
dig my toes in deep
and breathe.

This is Me.
Aqui Soy.
the daughter of my father's rage
and my mother's forgotten dreams.
i am not perfect
nor pretend to be,
but i do hold me to the highest
standard of Me.

and i will grow
and i will break
i will rise from the dust of my ashes
with a Phoenix cry-
i will stumble
i will reach, soar, fly.

and even if i fail
by this world's standards or my father's
at least i will not have ignored
the Voice within me.

"Flying Blind"...Written Last Tuesday

Sitting, listening to a a song that my friend Rachel and her mom Celeste wrote and sing together.

"My heart is trying to find its way home." Beautiful.

I haven't written much lately. I've been working and spending time with friends, Mouna, Tommy's family, and Myself. I have been feeling like i have been myself more and more- i am wearing shoes as little as possible, just to feel the Earth beneath my feet. The mud and dirt between my toes. Grounding myself to this beautiful Earth. I have been writing more, working on my jewelry, climbing, and hiking, playing guitar, praying, meditating. Singing, always singing.

I played an open mic last night at the Taos Inn and felt really good about it. I completely lost myself in the last song, and wasn't nervous or even entirely aware of everyone else there. Tommy said it was the best he ever heard me play it. It felt good to lose myself in the music i was creating.

As i come more into Myself, expressing who i am through different mediums and avenues, i have found that i fear what people may think of me when i return to California. I feel like i have changed so much in this time spent here. The love and respect of people i love is important to me- i can only hope that those who truly love me back home will respect the truths of my heart and love the woman they see.

i have become more aware of aspects of myself that i want to see change- fear, anger, places in me that do not reflect compassion and love. We always have more to learn, more to heal. i want my presence to be one of peace and sanctuary for others- radiating Love and Compassion. i cannot be or do this if i am not centered and grounded and peaceful within myself.

As the time comes closer to my return to California, i find myself moving into a place of transition again, not quite here, not quite there- pondering my time spent here, and planning (to some extent) the rest of my stay. I feel that the Snow Mansion, Mouna, and this place in general, are not quite through with me yet. I think i will be returning once more sometime in the future, for a stay. We'll see.

There are many thing i will miss about Taos, the mountains, the Rio, the fresh air and slower pace of Life. I will miss all the people i have met and loved at the hostel, Tommy's family, as well as the community of the Native American church and the frequent opportunities to go to Meetings.

I think about the Life i will create for myself back home- the pace, the luxuries of a car and phone (or not?), friendships i will pursue, how i will cultivate a lifestyle that reflects what i have learned and is healthy for me- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. i am excited.

Singing to la Madre Luna.

Soy una Nina salvaje
una Mujer silvestre
Soy una Nina salvaje
mis Abuelas viven en Mi

Soy la Hermana de las nubes
aprendia a compartir
Soy la Hija del oceano
y Toda esta Vivo en Mi
Toda esta Vivo en Mi.


Tonight I am wondering. in a state of wonder. at the beauty in and of this Life.
I am grateful for all the Women of strength and dignity and ancient wisdom in my Life.
I am thankful for all the Men in my Life who embrace a masculinity of compassion and consideration.
I am amazed, astounded, and humbled.

Gracias Maheo, PachaMama, Abuela. Gracias por mi Vida.

Mouna

So, I've decided to start quoting Mouna, because she is brilliant and hysterical. Or maybe brilliantly hysterical. Hysterically brilliant? Anyway-
I'm not sure if her energy and tone will come across through the medium of blog, but imagine a wild-grey-haired woman who almost dances as she talks. She almost audibly hums with energy. It is so crazy. When she speaks, its as if every sentence was the most profound exciting statement.

The scene.
Outside my cabin, Mouna is watering a small herb garden. My neighbor, Lisa and I are listening as Mouna explains what is growing and the medicinal qualities of each herb.
As this is happening, Lisa discovers an ant colony which has made its home outside our cabins, on the edge of the garden.
This is the conversation that ensues...

Lisa: "Is it a good thing to have the ant colony so close to the herbs?"

Mouna, as she immediately begins dousing the small anthill with the hose, exclaims:
"Chile!! They don't like water and they don't like chile!"

Mouna continues, "And we don't want them so close to the garden. No.
That would go in the 'No, No, NO!' category!!"

The Juicy Pulp; written while in CA.

From Madeleine L'Engle's "Glimpses of Grace."- entitled, Enjoying God.
The scene: "In the Portuguese convent, Joaquina is an overly pious nun, and Mother Escolastica is one of the senior nuns. Mariana is playing with some of the convent children. At the time of this story, the middle of the 17th century, Portugal was still struggling to win her freedom from Spain."

The refectory rang with unaccustomed laughter.
Sister Joaquina, unable to share the pleasure, was saying, "I'm not sure it's a good idea."
Beatriz directed her clear gaze at Joaquina. "What? Being free of Spain?"
"Counting buttons."
-What? Mother Escolastica, sitting across from the younger nuns, focused her dark old eyes, still bright as beads on Joaquina's pasty face. Did the young nun, like Sister Maria de Assuncao, suffer from dyspepsia? Her diet should be checked. Why should a casual remark from silly little Michaela on the brightness of the buttons on the French soldier's jackets be made into an issue?
Joaquina, overly fond of mortifications, took the driest, hardest crust from the bread tray. "It keeps our minds from the contemplation of inward visions."
Mariana burst into such a peal of laughter that all heads in the refectory turned in her direction.
Joaquina flushed, "What's so funny?"

"Forgive me," Mariana said quickly as she reached for an orange and began to peel it. "I wasn't laughing at you. You're quite right. I should spend more time, as you do, worrying about saving my soul, but i can't seem to do it, because surely I cannot save my soul. Only God can do that. And when i see-" she looked out the long, open windows to the garden, "-the way the evening sun is touching the flowers right now- or when i look at this orange, look at the brilliance of its color and smell the sharpness of its scent-isn't that as much a vision of God as anything we see inwardly?"

"I don't know," Joaquina said flatly. She looked across the table at Mother Escolastica. "I don't mean to criticize, Mother, but there's something wrong with it."
"With what, child?"
"The way Sister Mariana looks out the window at the flowers, and the way she enjoys that orange."
"Well?"
"She enjoys it too much."
Mariana's mouth was full of juicy pulp. "Aren't we supposed to?"


I think often times people forget that this world around us is created for us to enjoy and care for. Many feel that everything exists in extremes- God is good, we are bad. Heaven is holy, the World is evil. So what is created is this huge chasm- this separateness. (Do we forget that God is IN us? That everything we see is in fact His&Her divine handiwork??) With this division, is created a great deal of fear- fear of contamination, of damnation, of becoming too invested in "this world", etc.
And, instead of cultivating healthy habits and attitudes about balance and healthy limits for oneself, people choose to pull away in fear, reject all of it, and judge and condemn others who enjoy the simple and sensual of Life. Mariana poses her question- "Isn't that as much a vision of God as anything we see inwardly?" yes, YES.

And her other statement, "I should spend more time...worrying about saving my soul, but i can't seem to do it, because surely I cannot save my soul. Only God can do that."
In the past i have felt this deeply, with great shame. Until I realized that i know so many who live every day in constant analysis and questioning of their "salvation" or their "calling" or what they are "supposed" to do- and i simply cannot do that.
If your head is cloudy and overcast you tend to miss the sunshine and the way it looks shining on the flowers.
you MISS it.
that moment of your life GONE FOREVER. i am not willing to do that anymore.
Life is not that serious and gloomy, and neither is God.
I think God has given us this creation- in all its terrible beauty- to simply enjoy. This world is beautiful and sacred because of the God that created it. Amen.

The Saturday inBetween.

Yesterday was Good Friday, tomorrow Easter- El Dia de la Resureccion.

My family is in Mexico, or will be soon, and will be spending Easter with my family there. I am supremely happy for them, and very jealous. I miss them all so much.
I heard about a little church here that has a 7:00 service in the morning- entirely in Spanish. i think i will make my way there. I deeply miss my Mexican family and the church there and hearing prayer on Easter morning in Espanol, would be divine.

Thinking about Easter, and it's deeper symbolic meanings...From darkness into Light, from death into Life. A rebirth of sorts. At least for those of us living, here, now. Thinking about the ways in which i want to live my life and the way i want to love. Choosing not to despair, not because there is no sorrow, but because this Life is precious and beautiful and sacred. Saturday, the day inbetween, is always the darkest. Like those last few hours before morning.
But the light always comes, Life always comes. I am seeing this acted out in nature all around me, the snow is melting, the buds on the trees have begun to open. When i open my eyes in the morning, the birds are outside singing songs of the Spring to come.
We are never in darkness forever.

I thank God this day for all of Creation, for every living thing, for each person i encounter, know, love. And those whom i haven't met, and might not ever. Living at the hostel, i meet people from all walks of Life, every background imaginable, every path taken unique. And it is BEAUTIFUL. breaktakingly so. We are a pathwork quilt of Humanity- all living together and connecting with each other, helping each other. I am continually amazed at how fragile people are- how delicate and tender we all are underneath, inside. It has deepened my respect for people and their experiences. We can learn from everyone we interact with, if we see them through eyes of humility. if we allow them to teach us.

And today especially, i think about God's mercy and lovingkindness. And i think that God, outside of all our constructed boxes, is Eternal and perfect Compassion.
And that we have no idea what that really means.

I condemn no one. I have no place.
Rather, i try to greet every human being as the exquisite creation that they are. And see where God's scuplting fingers left imprints in the clay.

This inbetween Saturday,
May you be Blessed
to know sorrow,
so that when the Joy comes
you will recognize it
and leap into it's arms.

May you be Blessed
to know darkness,
so that when the dawn
peeks it's head over
the last few remaining stars,
you will dance
with anticipation
and utter abandonment
into the Light of morning.

May you be Blessed
to know winter,
it harsh cold
and heavy silence,
it's frost on your heart-
so that,
when the buds of new growth
sprout
you will not complain
of the pain of transformation,
but instead sing out
with newfound Joy and gratitude-
as all the frost melts away
and you find yourself
to be more
Alive
than ever before.

On this Saturday inBetween,
May you be Blessed.

Off for the Weekend....

just finished up my work for the week and i am headed down to Taos!

thought 1.
wondering about being really and truly genuine, and what that means. Social interaction can be a funny thing- what is the balance? when do you speak up and say exactly what you think and/or feel, and when do you smile and nod and look for the nearest exit??
also, motivations. sometimes people say something that is so utterly transparent it almost hurts. do you ignore the "hidden" intent? do you call them out on it??
what is polite anyway?

thought 2.
where are all the women?!? the testosterone here is becoming a little suffocating...

Moving Day.

the shuffle setting
is sending me back
in my memory
as old Ani albums fill my head,
and i smile slowly
as i think back
on all the roads
i have traveled
that have converged, here,
on this spot.

as i move my things
from dorm to cabin,
i realize how much i have with me-
luxurious, actually, this living
on the road,
and i think back to "home"-
my things in boxes there.

when i get back
i think i will throw it all out.

it's funny
having space that is my own
again,
it's been a long time.
all my nesting tendencies
come back full force
as i lay what few
decoration-like things
i have with me
out on the bare hardwood
shelving.

a white cat makes herself
at home on my bedding,
snuggling in
and i feel like doing the same.


i have been loving living in community with people here- sharing kitchens and bathrooms and showers- even sharing the dorm room with a couple other women. The community cooking that sometimes happens and the community eating that always happens have both been wonderful.
And yet, having this small space to myself is going to be a good thing, i can feel it. the introvert in me is grateful. the extrovert in me is feeling full and satisfied.

i am so glad to be here. what growth and learning is happening...

Tommy.

I am so incredibly blessed to be loved the way i am. I think maybe we get what we need, which is sometimes more than what we deserve.

Conversation,
me: "you've done something for me that no one has..."
him: "what's that?"
me: "you've given me grace and set me free from something."
him: "what is Love if not that?"



humbled, am i
broken and snot-nosed
eyes swollen from crying
begging forgiveness
for the way that i am,
have been.

fighting deeply
for what i love,
for you, my Love-
battling my demons
from the
inside out,
Love chooses me
and has broken down all my doors-

i am unspeakably vulnerable,
and deeply yours.

te amo con todo mi corazon...el hogar de mi corazon es en el tuyo.
te adoro- no tengo las palabras que pueden explicarlo. mi amor le pido a Dios que nunca me dejes, y que siempre estes contento y feliz en tu vida. vivimos en nuestros corazones. siempre.
perdoname, por favor.

Monday Adventures

I have been staying up at the Snow Mansion a little under a week now, and it has been incredible. I have been getting up early and exploring the surrounding area- which is so beautiful, i cannot believe it. Went rock climbing with a group of people i met at the hostel when i first got here and hiked up to these waterfalls yesterday. There was a storm a couple of days ago, so it was a bit snowy and sometimes slushy, but the falls were swollen from the melting snow and rainfall- and was breathtaking.

Just getting up and being in my body- challenging it physically has been so good. This is the kind of exercise i like!! Climbing rocks, hiking, exploring- all the while with just incredibly beautiful nature around me, surrounding me. Such a blessing to be here.

There is a large cast of characters at the Mansion- so many beautiful, funny, quirky people. Many of them searching for something- home, love, themselves. It has been so wonderful spending time with them. My dorm-mate, Sharon and i stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about Education, children, our lives, God and religion, the feminine wound. Just so many people put in my path, whom i can learn from and speak with from the heart.

I only have to work two days a week there, so i have a lot of free time, which i have been using wonderfully- playing guitar, helping Mouna, planting vegetables in the garden, reading, writing, getting closer to people.

So beautiful.

I can feel myself creating new patterns, feeling better about myself and my body, falling more and more in love with people and Life. The natural woman in me is coming out and is loving it!

Have to go now, Natalie, Hamza, Tommy, and i are going out to be in the sunshine and play frisbee and go explore the area around the hotsprings on the Rio Grande. Good to have them visiting and good to be going outside to play!

All my love to those who are not near me now...

Meeting.

Last night I had a vision,
that God opened me up like a piece of fruit and cleaned out all the
rotted parts inside.
When I asked, about all those parts and all the people who had caused
the wounds, the rotting,
She told me, "Don't be angry with them, for they
do not yet understand."

And with those words all the empty, carved out spaces filled with Her
Love and Compassion.

Today.

So much has happened. I am in a much better place now. That last blog was a bit disheartening, i know.

I spent the latter part of this week watching the "kids"- Tommy's little brother and sister, Austin and Hope. They are such amazing children. Lifegiving- their presence was so refreshing and joyous.

I am in the process of redefining productivity and keeping perspective. Lightening up a little bit. Having the kids around really helped that. Watching them observe and experience the world around them with wonder and awe reminded me.

simply that, reminded me.

Last night I had a conversation in which i reacted really strongly to something that was said- almost shockingly so. When that sort of thing happens i really have to look at the deeper issue-and i have realized that there is a part of me, that is deeply and inherently feminine, and is wounded.

Somehow i knew before this trip, that this would be about my Womanhood. Just as I knew last trip that it would be about healing myself and my relationship to/with my Dad. It is interesting to me, that this has arisen. Now, here. And that there is a Meeting this weekend for Ladonna, Tommy's sister.

There are things that have happened to me in my Life, perpetrated by men or circumstances, that happened because I am a Woman. Simply that, no other reason. Things that could not, or would not have happened to a man. And i have begun to realize that i am angry and i am really, really deeply hurt by that. And that it is good just to say that. And that now, i know, healing will come. Because we cannot heal what we do not admit has wounded us.

It is good for me to realize that i do not need to stress and worry about what i am DOING necessarily, or what job i am going to land, but rather, inner work, and BECOMING, and healing. This is more important.

Argh.

Frustrated with myself today. Have so many amazing books to be reading and i cannot focus on any of them.
I did go up to Arroyo Seco in pursuit of some work, but the woman i needed to talk to wasn't there.
So, back to Taos and an unproductive afternoon.
Wondering what will come up or if i need to go out and pursue....and what balance is a good one. I have the nagging feeling that i am not living out my days to the fullest, that i am not soaking it up enough or something. and then i recognize that i am looking to the pursuit of work to do that, which is a load of crap- like this dependence on the selling of my labor in order to feel productive.
yikes. that's a cultural/societal thing that i do not want any part of.

much more free time means much more discipline is needed. the discipline to get my butt out of bed and practice my guitar and study theory and chord progression and find a good yoga class and write and READ and retain and help others however i can...and and and and!

some reprogramming or resituating is necessary here.
argh.
i wish there was some social work out here i could get into...most everything is retail or food service...which i have NO issue or judgement about, i am just needing something...else.

i know this is passing, that Mouna will call me and have something for me to help her with, and that spending time at the Snow Mansion will be rewarding and good. i just don't want to slip into passivity or any form of laziness because it makes me crazy!!!

feeling pulled in a lot of different directions internally, feeling like i am still going through the fire and being refined and changed and thrown into all sorts of lessons to learn.

which is good, and i am thankful for.
i'm just frustrated today.

and missing folks.

Quick Update

Sorry about the lack of posting...been having technological issues. my apologies. :)
the previous post was something i wrote when i first got here.

Went snowboarding yesterday, which was a BLAST- i love the feeling of the mountain beneath me and the cold wind hitting my face, it is so exhilarating. such a beautiful day. i am paying for it though...i am unbelievably sore today. :)

The landscape here is so beautiful, breathtakingly so. I was driving back from Santa Fe to Taos today and came over this small ridge and caught a view of the entire Taos valley- from the depths of the Rio Grande gorge to the heights if the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. Amazing. I recommend to anyone who has the ability to travel to come to New Mexico, especially to Taos. The way the light hits things here is magical.

more later...my love to all.

Taos in February.

spilt-milk skies
overhead
clouds like i have never seen
the desolate beauty of this place
astounds me
once again.

it feels like i never left
and the red-hued earth
welcomes me
with open arms
the snow capped mountains
embrace me
from all sides
of the landscape.

laughing until the point of tears
wrapping words
around our tongues
metaphors and puns
and paddling them
back and forth
like ping-pong balls
across the space
of eternity
and the center consul
between us in the car-
such joy.

and i can't shake the feeling
of being
exactly where i'm meant to be
at exactly this moment
this journey
of coming into my Self...
as Woman.

Hmmmm

my spirit does not seem to fit within
my skin
this morning-
no, she is skipping
running jumping
flying out the door and up into the sky-
she is high and spinning
from life's ecstasy.

Existence
is enough of a reason
for joy to spill out of my being-
and today
my spirit dances
all over the coffee shop
and giggles shyly when
someone
catches
her eye.

i am a million miles away
and yet so present
that the Moment is
glaring with such clarity,
it makes my eyes water.

i am bouncing tumbling
spinning off in a thousand different directions
and i am here,
with you
talking about, well, nothing really-
but enjoying each other and
the twinkle in our eyes
the blasphemous and holy-
laughter
bounds out of me-
i can't help it.

i am endless-
boundless
infinite,
expanding ever wider
with a heart that has been
broken open enough
to let everyone in...
i am in love with Love
with existence
with the blessing
to be here today,

to be,
at all.

Okay, better now.

This morning was so grey and rainy. Makes the coffee shop feel real cozy though, i like that.

(sidenote of possible interest to other word-nerds like me:)
Did you know that you can spell the word grey, correctly, with either an "a" or an "e"...isn't that cool? i usually spell it with the "e" becuase it looks more, well, grey.

Please excuse my rambling- i have been working for too many days in a row and find myself in a slightly delirious state. My work is incredible though, i get to meet so many different people with such a wide range of stories and life experience...i come here, make lattes, and learn.
It is really, very beautiful.
The other day it occurred to me that i should be recording these episodes and interactions and sharing them with others. Maybe a book full of them...who knows? It is one thing that continues to amaze me every day of my life- how incredibly complex and beautiful people are. And how you never know someone's story until you ask, and they let you in.
We are so wonderfully intricate and fragile and strong.

Missing loved ones near and far, feeling rather inbetween today. But, i will be headed to Santa Cruz to see my dear, sweet Natalie- which i am very thankful for.

this is kind of one of those blogs that aren't really about anything- and for that i apologize.
blame it on the lack of sleep.

oh man.

why does it feel so EARLY this morning??????
working.
sleepy.
more to come.
brain not fully functioning yet.

Come Out Into the Light

"Sex scandal pastor says after therapy, he's heterosexual"

The title of this San Francisco Chronicle article caught my eye. I don't know how many are familiar with the Ted Haggard story. The short of it? ...He was the senior pastor of a church in Colorado, as well as the president of the National Association of Evangelicals. Then last fall, when he began to promote a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage, a man named Michael Jones came forward and exposed their 3 year affair.
Rev. Haggard, who is married, was "ousted by the overseers" of his church last November, and has apparently been in counseling/therapy in Phoenix.
For three weeks.

He wrote in an email to members of the church that his three weeks of counseling in Phoenix have felt like, "three years' worth of analysis and treatment," and that, "Jesus is starting to put me back together."
Another reverend from the church, Tim Ralph "told the Denver Post that Haggard had come out of the counseling convinced of his heterosexuality." Ralph went on to say,"He is completely heterosexual." Saying also that Haggard's "homosexual behavior had not been a 'constant thing.'"

The highlight of the article for me, was the input of Dr. Jack Drescher, a psychiatrist from New York who specializes and is considered an expert in the studies/issues of gender and sexuality. Dr. Drescher said, "while it was people's prerogative to identify their sexual orientation as they wanted, the notion of being able to change that orientation was 'not consistent with clinical presentations, but totally consistent with theological belief.' "
He continues, "Some people in the community that Haggard comes from believe homosexuality is a form of behavior, a sinful form of behavior based on certain things in the Bible, and they don't believe you can create a healthy identity based on sinful behavior. ...So they define it as a behavior that can be changed, and there is this thinking that if you control those behaviors enough, heterosexual attractions will follow."

The article is ended with a comment from the Rev. Tim Ralph that he had shared with the Denver Post- that the overseers of Haggard's church "had recommended to Haggard that he take up secular work."


So much here.
First of all, what a huge rejection and repulsion from Haggard's community, his church. That is really sad to me, that they wouldn't surround him and support him and love him during this time in his life amidst all the judgement that is falling on him. That is huge. And a huge issue within the traditional Christian church, i think. When people "fall by the wayside"- whether merely the perception of others or actual hard times, there is a withdrawal, a distance that is, i feel, deliberately created. As though they are no longer deserving of your full interaction, connection, and love, or that their "sinfulness" might rub off on you.
Where is the understanding of Grace? Of the fact that none of us are perfect, and no one is worse than the other? Forgiveness?? interesting.

Another issue that arises for me is Haggard's hypocrisy. And what of Michael Jones? First of all, props to him for outing his lover who was sharing his bed, and then preaching the evils of homosexuality and publicly supporting a discriminatory and unconstitutional amendment. Secondly, the poor man. He must feel such a sense of betrayal. To prevent any further damage to his position and reputation in the Christian world, Ted Haggard (whom he had been intimate with for three years), cast him and all consideration for him aside , completely disregarding his feelings and his humanity and reducing him to a sinful act, a bad choice made, some sort of depravity that requires therapy to resolve. wow.
And the real issue here isn't the details of this specific case that was brought to the public's attention. The deeper issue is that this is not a rare occurrence, an isolated event. We are trading honesty and reality for hypocrisy.

Something else that this brought up for me was the human ability to define terms and create definitions for everything imaginable. By doing this, in essence, we have the ability to create our own realities...the laws and terms by which we live. The trouble is, groups and sects, (and major religions) can all create contradicting, differing definitions whose collisions can be disastrous.
I don't think that homosexuality is a "form of behavior" and i don't think that changing your behavior changes your sexual orientation; in fact, i know it doesn't.

And yes, you can change your behavior- who you date for example. And i know many who have. They believe that it is against God to fall in love with and pursue someone of the same physical sex and so, they break up. They stay single. They pray harder. Does this mean that their interest and attraction to people of the same physical sex just go away?? No. And does this mean that they will fall in love with and be physically and sexually attracted to someone of the opposite physical sex? In some cases, maybe. In most, probably not. In some, never.

I think we are all broken and beautiful people. I think if we could all just be HONEST with each other and be open about who we really are, we would all be so much better off. We could all let our bellies hang out and laugh together and realize that we are the same. And judgement would stop, because we would realize that we are what we're judging. I think that there are so many people in the church today that are hiding. And, metaphorically speaking, i think we all need to come out.

letting go for good.

always
different versions
of me.

the woman i am now
looks back upon
the girl who followed you around
unsteady and wobbly
like a toddler
depending on men to feed me
like a baby
i needed a hand to hold
and guide me
and i thought maybe that
it was only i,
at the time.

but now i have a clearer view
and i can see
that it wasn't only me
who was acting out ancient archetypal roles
that had been lived out
centuries before we ever existed
and played out incessantly
throughout both our childhoods.

i am learning now the weight of my words
and their inherent value-
ideas denied me for most of my young life
so hear this now,
if nothing else:

Listen. LISTEN.
and find value in everyone
and what they say-
not just the individuals
who interest you (for you)
it is the greatest kindness
you
will ever
do.

and pride will fall
and break
into a thousand different pieces
like a plate
shattered upon the ground-
my anger flares
at things long passed
words whose ring still echo
in my wounded places.
and so i violently reject
all thoughts of shame
and regret,
i throw "ideal" out the window
into the street
with the trash and the shit
where it
belongs.

please do not mistake
my words for judgement-
that you are not more like me
it is merely a grieving,
and a vow
that i will never again allow
myself to love a man
who wants to
change me.

Who is James Thurber?!?

...i need to do some research!! i like a lot of what this guys is saying....hmmm. who is he?


A few quotes i found this morning.

"All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why."

"Discussion in America means dissent."

"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead."

"Laughter need not be cut out of anything, since it improves everything."

"The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people- that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature."

"There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth."

"Unless artists can remember what it was to be a little boy, they are only half complete as artist and as man."

and some of my favorites...

"Love is what you've been through with somebody."


"Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility."


"I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get
somewhere."


"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."


"Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness."


"Progress was all right. Only it went on too long."


"Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more."


"There are two kinds of light- the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."

Sigh.

Thoughts from the Mon Cafe this afternoon...

1) Men should never, NEVER make women feel uncomfortable- ESPECIALLY in their place of work. It is not okay.
You men out there-- show every woman the respect you would show your own mother.

2) If someone is stealing your tips, and you know they are stealing, and you choose not to say anything, then in essence you are giving them your tips, and it is okay.

3) Glen Smallman is the coolest.

4) Treat everyone with kindness. (Unless they fall under the category of number one.)


thats all for now, i think. it has been an interesting day...haha. it always is here.

Had a phone conversation with little Miss Fiona last night. some random quotes...

"My sisters twist my legs! and sometimes...Brianna hits me so hard...like a tiger!"

"But i am a strong kicker...(laughing)...i am very powerful!!"

...and so many more. oh man, that child is such a joy to me. i am going to see them the begining of next week...i can't wait. :)

Rhythms.

i wrap myself
in the arms of Love,
and snuggle in close to her breast.
my impatience forgotten
in a moment,
as the Spirit moves me
words begin to flow
and i am cradled in metaphors
warmed by a similie's smile
commas and apostrophes
fly past me,
terms of endeavor and endearment
evolve in my pen's tip
and spill out onto the page-
my Beloved, be near me.
my Beloved, be near.

my mind dances away
even now
spinning off on tangents
that do not yet have words
to express them,
that hold little significance
and have no context
in the daily meanderings
that fill my hours.
i ponder human nature as i
fill up
latte cups
and share a smile.

i warm myself
by the light of Love,
and my impatience falls away.

my Beloved, be near me.
my Beloved, be near.

Oh man...

This is why Dave is the best.

Ponderings.

it's that kind of day when the morning simply fades into the afternoon, without even realizing it.
an inbetween kind of day.
i am, once again, at work, but with a lot on my mind today. i read a friend's blog recently that has put me in a bit of a whirlwind...the question he posed- what do you put your faith in?
now, there are easy, one-line, slightly homogenized answers, but these don't do it for me.
to put into words, what one puts faith in...not so easy i have found.
but certainly interesting food for thought.

i have been feeling a little out of place lately. knowing i need to be here, for now, but feeling the pull of the path ahead of me. some days i am content and learning, others i let it slip and i just feel stagnant. letting go of the latter, holding onto the better days. not being too hard on myself.

wondering about the "age group" i find myself in. many of my male friendships have changed over the last year or so...i think that people are looking for meaningful relationships at this time in their life. so much growing we all have to do. very hard, but very beautiful.

i have had "lessons", shall we say? :) placed in my life right now, and i am learning patience and compassion. ever deepening. i have found myself giveway into these lessons, and not resist what may be difficult and sometimes even stressful to learn.

compassion is a beautiful, beautiful thing. it is so grace-full and life-giving.

missing my family- which has grown exponentially...here, mexico, new mexico, virginia, australia. wonderful to have family all over the world, a little hard to not have them all near.

had a conversation with Dave, more than once i believe, about how wonderful it would be to have all the people you love in one place, even if just for a day.

feeling thoughtful, peaceful, and quiet today- love and Paz to all.

The Great River

We have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is The Hour.
And there are things to be considered.
Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Are you in the right relation? Where is your water?
Know your garden.

It is time to speak your truth: Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader: This could be a good time!
There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold onto the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.

The elders say we must let go of the shore, and push off into the river, keep our eyes open, and our head above the water. See who is in there and celebrate. At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that you do now must be done in a sacred manner... and in celebration.

We are the ones we've been waiting for...

"The Great River" - The Elders, Hopi Nation, Oraibi, Arizona

Family Dinner. and then a drive.

the headlights in my rearview mirror
illuminate the shadows
of my heart
and i recognize
the common threads that run
through us all,
we are wounded creatures
and our deep fragility
moves me to compassion.
compassion.

compassion.

and in this, my broken places
i find space in my heart
for all of humanity
and realize that i am no more guilty
and no more innocent,
no greater
or any less
than anyone else living here,
on this earth.

we are all in need of kindness
and tender care
from one another,
and while i admit, my heart rages at injustice-
i must remind her
of our very humanness
that connects us at the core.

A Little Sad

and i don't know why
i choose
to think of it
as the wind that passes over me
as the rain that streams down my face
an ocean wave that laps at the shore
and then is gone again.
a moment, is all.

i let it wash over me
and roll off my body
i do not hold it
or grasp it
but let it go by
in it's time
as it will.

and i chalk it up to a long day at work
in a string of a weeks' long days at work
and that is all.

letting go
letting go
remembering that my hands are empty
and open
and my heart is overflowing.

Estoy Feliz!

...my Tommy is coming today!!!!

RANTING DOESN'T EVEN HELP.

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW I COULD CRY. I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE MET THE MAN THAT COULD, ALONE, GET ME TO ABONDON THE CONVENTIONAL CHRISTIAN CHURCH COMPLETELY, ALTOGETHER, FOREVER.

I AM SO COMPLETELY FRUSTRATED AND DISGUSTED and i try to remember compassion and i try not to judge others, because i would ask the same of them...BUT I SWEAR...to, to, to SOMEBODY THAT THIS MAN EMBODIES EVERYTHING I HAVE COME TO DESPISE ABOUT FUNDAMENTAL AMERICAN CHRISTIANITY.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO WITH THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

IT JUST MAKES ME SO ANGRY. i have been an angry person in the past, which with God's help and healing i have overcome in so many ways. but THIS guy, what he stands for, how he treats people, how he IS for goodness'sake make me sick. i mean, really, just sick.
and really, REALLY angry.

i have had to deal with him in the past and i think it is just better for my mental and spiritual health that i don't ever again. EVER.

UGH. UGH. UGH.

as i write this i am literally shaking. i cannot frickin believe it. i hate that just reading a stupid email from him can make me this angry. i do not like that it has that much power over me.

but AHHHHHHHHHHH i can't shake it.
jeez.
Jesus. .....right????!?!?!?!?!? this man is so faR AWAY FROM ANYTHING I WOULD EVER WANT TO BE LIKE. and not that i have to be like this guy or even look to him as an example, but the point is that A LOT of people, young people, look to him and he is so completely full of shit.

holy crap. i have to go.

Coming Home to Me.

restlessness and peace coexist
in my soul
this afternoon.

i am content and resting
loving the people around me wholeheartedly
as they give me so much joy,
and i make their coffee.
we are laughing and sharing in each other's lives...
a community, a family, sometimes
perfect strangers teasing each other
into a smile.

and my soul rejoices in life's simplicity-
even while pondering it's complexity.

and still
i can feel the road calling me
the wind whispers my name-
and the Spirit and my heart converse.
the sangre de cristo mountains and winter storms
will frame my next major life lesson
and as the snow melts into spring i will be
transforming
as well.
the sound of a beating drum and rattle will be my soundtrack
and the piano will sift me from my dreams.

Just Trying to Get This to Work!!!!

Miss Fiona Pants.

Buenos Dias

Me siento que tengo mucho que quiero decir, pero no tengo las palabras este manana. Mi alma esta llena de muchas cosas..gozo, tristeza. pero mas del gozo. :)

La extrano a mi familia en Mexicali. Los quiero muchisimo. Los extrano.
Ayer, mire a los fotos de mi viaje y pense..."TooorrIIIIIto!" Fue un tiempo bien hermoso. Aprendi mucho y me cambio. No soy la misma persona. Pienso, veo diferente y quiero vivir diferente...cada dia mas y mas. Es dificil esto, porque hay mucho aqui que no cambio, y por eso a veces mi corazon esta luchando. Cosas que hice en el pasado que no quiero continuar--maneras de vivir. me entiendes???

no, no me entientes. alguien, posible...un or dos...muchos no. esta bien. siempre estoy hablando con mi Diosito en espanol...me hace feliz, esto. lo extrano el campo enfrente de la casa, y las estrellas tan bonitas y tan claras.

ya me voy. estoy "trabajando" en el cafe ahorita. esta bien tranquilo. me gusta.

See you soon.

Last night some friends and i went to a gathering for my dear friend Shannon, or Shannoncita. :) She will be moving to go to school, which i think is going to be absolutely FANTASTIC for her...new environment, new experiences, away from the fam and her hometown...however, while i am incredibly happy for her, it also makes me very sad.
She was playing for us last night, a few of her songs. When she plays, she cannot help but be vulnerable and let her very soul shine through...and it is breathtaking. i mean, really.

As i was watching her play, i was overwhelmed with appreciation for her heart and her friendship. What a beautiful, beautiful woman. What a loved person and a wonderful friend.

We will miss you Shan.

Go play in the snow and wear flasher jackets, and warm people's hearts with your beautiful music. and study hard, and make new crazy friends who will sing rounds of songs in pirate voices. and write your old friends.
live fully, each moment, learn from every experience. laugh so hard you almost pee a little bit. love deeply and without fear.

i love you so much, and i am so grateful to know you.

Repose.

Is it possible that my boys only left a day and a half ago?? it already seems like ages....they are sorely missed at my house. and the cafe. :)

This morning, the coffee shop is full of noise but my soul is quiet.

How nice.

Sometimes, this is just true.

It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.

-Dame Rose Macauley

Live Music!!!

MUSIC TONIGHT!
At the one and only Mon Cafe, located on Manor Blvd. in San Leandro. Friends of the Mon Cafe family, visiting Virginians, myself, and an Aussie-boy will be playing the gih-tar and singing it up!

Come and Listen!! Buy Coffee! (Or Tea!!) Support local music!!

From the Back Room of Mon Cafe

Feeling frustrated this afternoon. Like i need to go for a run, and then go home and paint, and then play guitar all night.

yes, i think then i might feel better.

Something feels pent up and i can't quite put my finger on it. I am thinking a lot about perspective this afternoon- there is a family at my work who throws my family life (now and previous) into some major perspective-check. i wish my sister could know them and understand as well. also read an excerpt from a to-be-published book that was talking about how much the lense we chose to look at our lives through colors and affects the way the we live. and also our past and how we relate it to others. interesting.

i know my perspective on my "story" has changed so much.

well, back to cleaning for me. i have found that i much prefer opening to closing. which is pretty indicative of me...i love to start things, find it harder to follow through.
or maybe i'm reading too much into that.
maybe it's just that i hate mopping.

First Pay Day

Today i recieved my first pay check in 3 months. I must admit it feels good to be back at work. The money i am earning is getting me steps closer to my goal, that feels good too.
Interesting how my spending habits have changed, the distinction between wants and needs. My experiences have caused a change in my attitude about money. A good thing.
I have more to say...but it's not quite ripe yet. :)

Morning to Myself.

Took some much needed "me" time this morning. I had been planning on going to the coast, but the weather was ugly (for driving) and so I went to a local coffeeshop and sat and read and wrote and listened to delicious music. It was wonderful. Solitary time is something my soul needs.

My house is full of music. The boys are writing new songs. It is so wonderful to not be the only musician around- to be able to listen to others and enjoy.


Usually this time of year the weather depresses me- rain and grey. But today i am finding it quite lovely- it's putting me in a creative mood. I think i will do some painting and beading this afternoon.

Theme song for today? "Paper and Ink" by Tracy Chapman.

UGH.

People who talk about immigrants with such disdain make me sick to my stomach. There is a sense of entitlement and arrogance that is unbelievable. What ever gave us the notion that because we were born in the richest country in the world that we deserve or have more rights than any other human being??

Come back and talk to me when you have had the experience of not being able to feed your children.

Visiting Home.

pieces of my life
flit and float
drifting through my head
different shades
and colors
like the fall's left-over leaves
that have gathered together
in piles
to keep out the cold
and loneliness.

i wonder if they miss the tree.

what is life for?

feeling a little conflicted tonight.
is seeking your own happiness a selfish endeavor?

Funny...that.

so as i was uploading those photos the program i was using decided to close. twice. i threw up my hands in frustration and walked away from the computer to avoid doing the violent damage to it that i was so tempted to do. ugh. anyway-
another try soon. :)

cooked dinner tonight! new and exciting things that i am learning. (grin)
Tommy's stepdad is an amazing cook and he has decided to take me under his wing while i am here. My dear friend Natalie is coming to visit us on Friday. i will be very happy to see her! it's been too long.

my time is coming to a close here in New Mexico. which makes me sad. really, really sad. but it is a bittersweet thing- i will be headed back to California soon to see famiy and friends. whom i miss very much.

can't wait to see the Mon Cafe crew as well! ....hopefully i have a job! haha.

oh. and Mom, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. i am sorry that i am not there to celebrate with you. i love you always.

Ensenada pictures....finally!

This Moment

i am sitting in a coffee shop
with a warm mug to my left,
there is a man improving on some jazz tune
at the piano in front of me.
the sun is shining in through the windows
in that beautiful autumn way that it does,
and it has just started to snow.

can life be any more beautiful than this?

Maheo, mi Diosito.

We just got back from Oklahoma last night. Some highlights...

First time in both Texas and Oklahoma.

While driving through Texas we saw an enormous monument on the side of the freeway. It was a a huge white cross, and at the base were statues of armed soldiers carrying their own crosses. YIKES. i mean, really. i couldn't believe it.

Eating Indian "fry-bread" for the first time. yum.

Listening to mixed CDs with James Brown, Otis Redding, Taj Mahal, and Bob Dylan.



The purpose of our trip was to honor and celebrate the life of my loved one's Uncle who passed away. I participated in a traditional Cheyenne meeting, which was more beautiful than i can begin to describe. Such a beautiful way of worshipping God. We prayed all night for the family, each other, and ourselves. It resonated with me more deeply than any church service has in a long time. So much healing happening.

I am so grateful for my time here and everything that i am learning.

I have two more weeks here and then i will be back in the bay area to see family and friends. Missing you all and sending you my deepest love-

Frickin' Cold.

it is getting ready to snoOow- (said in sing-song voice).

very exciting.

and (see title).

Be Still and Know that I Am...

in stillness
i hear all the subtle movements around me.
God whispering
in the raspy dancing of leaves
the sweet singing
of a wooden wind chime
and the deep hum
of the earth.

I am
I am
I am

in quiet
i find my rest.
my God
i will sit in silence and wait.
i will be here
be present
and Alive
giving thanks for every moment
and every space
i find myself in.

Happy Thanksgiving, the Cheyenne way.

As i write this the sound of a drum and rattle are pulsating through the house, accompanied by the sound of voices singing in an ancient language.

it is so beautiful and foreign and familiar. the beat of the drum-- the steady rhythm is grounding and resonates somewhere deep within me.

Voices praising God.

i witness the handiwork of God this night- the broken bits of families coming together in hope and forgiveness and love. Truly beautiful.

I am thankful.

Autonomy.

alone.
within myself,
in this,
my place in the world.

i hold hands with my loneliness
and make peace with him.

i am learning
to be alone
and what better place than this-
Taos.
where the surrounding mountains
make you feel small
and the air so cold this time of year
that you want to turn
inside yourself
to keep warm.

desolate beauty
-i am-
learning
all the lessons i have avoided
in my life.

and i can't blame anyone
can't shake my fists
and beg
plead for another
answer.

it is this
i am
and Now

alone.
inside myself
i dig deeply-
because if it isn't here,
it won't be found.

What day is it?

Still feeling a bit disoriented. Time, day, location- that sort of thing. But it is also deeper reaching than that.
This morning i have the house to myself, well almost. Jack and Vinny, the cats, are keeping me company. it is very peaceful, nice time for recuperation and reflection. the only thing that worries my mind a bit is the beginning of a crack beneath the neck of my guitar.
damn airline.
or maybe it was the climate change. my poor baby...she's been through a lot with me on this trip.

looking forward to playing some coffeeshops here. i went to one yesterday that was SO incredibly cool. (cool??? what kind of adjective is that?!? i think maybe my english vocab has diminshed a bit...i am currently speaking an interesting blend of ingles y espanol).

spoke to my family on the phone last night- it was so good to hear their voices...so good to speak in spanish with them. made me a little homesick for Mexicali.

i am VERY excited about Thanksgiving. i didn't even remember that it was happening until i reached the states and Jenelle mentioned it. I asked her, "oh yeah....when IS that?" "Thursday." "YESSSSSSSSSSSSS." i have to admit that Thanksgiving is probably my all time favorite holiday. Eating, rejoicing together, talking, praying, laughing, eating, eating, eating....

yum.

New Mexico is interesting- i've never seen terrain quite like it. VERY different than california. Very different than anywhere i've been actually. Beautiful. There is no snow yet, but it is FREEZING at night. During the day it is just cold enough for the tip of your nose to hurt a bit, and your cheeks to sting. But actually, i have been enjoying bundling up. there is something very comfortable about layers of warmth. kind of like walking around in bed all day long.

most of the buildings here are made of adobe. which i LOVE. it's grainy and warm feeling- there are no hard lines or exact 90 degree angles- very comforting. everything is rounded and feels softer and more natural. less harsh.

i think i have come to the conclusion that the "city life" is not for me. i need dirt and green and a slower pace. and while i do love to spend time in a large metropolis...the buzz, the hum, the energy- it is not a good place for me to live for too long. it kind of drains me. being closer to the natural energizes me- i connect with God so naturally, easily, beautifully through Her creation. His pulse is almost tangible here.

on my journey from SD to NM there was major issues at the airport and my flights had to be redirected, rebooked, and the like. i was waiting on standby for most of the day. surprisingly, i wasn't frustrated much at all, or worried. i just waited. my trip has taught me so much about that.
because of all the rebooking and waiting i got to meet some very interesting people- Keith, who was headed to Idaho to visit family for the holidays. i played my guitar for him, and we began to talk about Grace and God and the American Church and where we have missed it. We talked openly and personally for about 2 hours.

Then i met Steve and his "mate" (forgive me friend my memory has misplaced your name)- two wonderful Aussies who were traveling to NM to visit old friends. They were great. :) reminded me of my dear friend Androo, another crazy Aussie man whom i love dearly! Steve said "Shockah!" and "Good Work!" and i thought of my dear Andrick. Beautiful connections in LAX. If i ever want to travel to Melbourne, Australia, i now have a place to stay.

Sending my love to all those in the States that i have not seen for so long! My love to all of you- i think about you all tons and tons.
For those of the praying persuasion- pray for my health- lots of little things, nothing life threatening.
Again, my deepest love to all of you.

things i am learning...
this moment is all i have.
God is all i have.
and for these reasons i do not fret myself with things i could not possibly know the answer to or outcome of.
i rest in this day because it is all i know and all i have.
because of this... moments stretch out before me for what seems like eternity. i savor each one.

This Life is so beautiful.

Vive. Disfruta. Espera.

huele de lluvia

(written while en Mexico...)

the air is cool and humid
the night is fresca
humming
and pulsing
with the energy
of all us together
in the same house
laughing

i walk barefoot
and wriggle my toes
in the dust
as if i could soak it
all up-
and set down
roots
grow out of the tierra
here
en el pais de mi corazon
la familia de mi ser

with dirty feet
i walk to the room
which has become mine

shouting and laughing
mis hermanos
are stumbling and bumping
into each other
laughter wracks the room
and we are all sprawled out-
Lupita is wheezing
Tannya with tears streaming
down her face
Alan giggling
and i am on the floor
face pressed into the tiles

voy a extranarlos
mas que puedo espresar.

the cricket on my pillow
waits to sing
me to sleep
but Pita and i are
talking until the
small hours of the day
again

and i am enamored-
enamorada,
with everything around me.

So Much to Say...

I am in San Diego.

I feel out of place, alien.

I miss the sounds, the smells, the sights and people of Mexico.

Wondering what God has for me in New Mexico.

so much has happened, i feel like i don't even know where to begin. i talked to my dad on the phone today....it was the best conversation we've ever had.
what is happening in my life???
pictures to share and video too....coming soon.

love to all. keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Oh! And...

Don´t worry mom, we´ll be safe. :) i love you.

Ensenada! Tan linda!!

We are going to Ensenada for the weekend!! Very exciting. Lupita, Javi, Arturo, Sochi, Carina, and i are piling into a van and headed out tonight.... stars, friends, and guitars and singing around a fire...on the beach!! what more could a girl ask for??

that is one of my favorite things in the whole world. i am so blessed to be here, this moment.

Como Puedo Decirle?

Life is precious. So, so precious.
and delicate.

New Song...Una Cancion Nueva

i don't know what to think tonight
but i think that maybe thats alright
i don't know which path to take
or if they're all one and the same-
and i
have two loves, i have two lives
two parts of the same being
that don't seem to collide-
don't seem to reconcile...

And i am hanging by a thread
from everything i've ever KNOWN
and i am holding on as tightly as i can-
WITH OPEN HANDS.

i walk these streets unpaved and dusty
i see the people struggling just to survive-
how is it that i have learned of abundance and generosity
in the poorest place i've ever lived?
and how it is it that we have so much
and yet so little to give??
and i
have two lives, two different worlds
though only a border apart-
they don't seem to collide
don't seem to reconcile...

And i am hanging by a thread
from everything i've ever WANTED
and i am holding on as tightly as i can-
WITH OPEN HANDS.

i am learning every day not to expect
but to accept and love whatever comes my way,
and i know that when i leave this place
i will never be the same-
something is changing, something's shifted
and i see the world as never before...
and i
i have two eyes, i have two hands
one corazon and one path ahead-
how will my life collide?
how will it reconcile?

And i am hanging by a thread
from everything i've ever BEEN
and i am holding on as tightly as i can-
WITH OPEN HANDS,
with open hands,
WITH OPEN HANDS.

Mexicali

i love this place
the tierra
beneath my feet
that creeps under doors and into everything.

i love the sounds
the whistles, the laughter
the loud music with bass blaring
shaking the streets
and the windows in their panes
"heeey--lupe!"
"mamacita!"
and all the shouting of the school kids
as they walk home in the
afternoon sun

i love the various stinks and smells
of this place
the burning trash
the aroma of comida tan sabrosa
being cooked by loving hands
their smells wafting out into the street
and making my mouth
water

i love the children
beautiful and brown
with laughing eyes
and sometimes scowls
their skin delicious shades of
caramel
chocolate
and coffee.
i wish i could embrace them forever
dry all their tears
and make them laugh all day long.
sing them to sleep at night.

my family-
laughing and joking,
hitting and playing
praying together for providence
and mercy
for kindness and strength.
sitting up late nights and talking
about Life.
about everything.
imagine the best conversations of your life-
the most meaningful, the most touching,
all the time.

all the time.

i love this place.
and the people.
and the vividness of it all.
i feel like i am home.

Que Bonita La Vida Es?!? -dice Javi

Estoy aqui en Mexicali- y tan feliz!!! Estoy muy feliz estar con mi familia!! Tengo dos hermanas y un hermanito...que bonito el! Le adoro muchisisimo!!!

I am doing very well. Went a little overboard on my first night (last night) with eating-- comi mucho!!! some friends and i went to "La Fiesta del Sol" and i had mangoes con chile, churros, tacos de carne asada y today i ate pozole for lunch....going back home soon for pastel (homemade chocolate cake!!!!!!) yum!

Life here is so beautiful, such a different pace of living. Family is so important. I LOVE IT! So many beautiful friendships to come i can feel it, i will be very sad when i have to leave them again....but for now i am soaking it up with every fiber of my being!!

this place is a part of me.

Mexicali!!

I made it here, safe and sound. So happy to be surrounded by the language, the food, sounds, smells, people.
Can't write too much tonight....more tomorrow or monday.

My love to all!!

Engaging in Hopeful Activities...

Hello All! I am in San Diego with my good friend, Jenelle. We are off to bed soon...i will spend tomorrow here, most likely at the beach (GRIN.) and then off to Mexico with me on Saturday. i can't wait to see my family!

sad saying goodbye to everyone back home....i am blessed with such incredibly wonderful people in my life.

Ariel, if you are reading this, you are so dear to me. I love you.

My love to all--keep me in thought and prayer as i am off to Mexico soon....

Bush, on "Terrorists"

"If it wasn't the war, they would have found some other excuse. They have ambitions- (pause for effect, snicker)...they kill, in order to achieve their objectives."


...wait a minute.


does it seem to be getting worse to anyone else out there? the hypocracy of the American government, this administration in particular, has reached a new level of ludicracy. to deny that the pre-emptive war in Iraq is NOT a direct cause of increased terrorism in the world- is, is...ridiculous! not to mention that a declassified U.S. Intelligence Report, (Bush's own frickin' Intelligence!!!!!!!) says that it is!!
ugh.
groan.

a quote, from the report, via BBC News:
"We assess that the Iraq jihad is shaping a new generation of terrorist leaders and operatives; perceived jihadist success there would inspire more fighters to continue the struggle elsewhere.
The Iraq conflict has become the "cause celebre" for jihadists, breeding a deep resentment of US involvement in the Muslim world and cultivating supporters for the global jihadist movement."

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. didn't Einstein say that??

sorry to unload my rant upon you all, but i had the news on and heard Bush speaking- contradicting the report from his own government's Intelligence, and i just couldn't swallow it today.

jeez...

had typed up this whole blog- beautifully, if i do say so myself. and something went terribly wrong with this archaic computer, and it has been lost forever. i will try again tomorrow.

it is wicked late and i have to open...ugh.
thank the lord for lattes, caps, and good ol' cups of coffee.

buenas noches a todos... se cuidan. espero y deseo que el amor de Dios los tranquile a todos sus corazones.

Me duele, mi corazon.

...que dolor tengo en mi alma. estoy frustrada- salire en dos semanas exactamente....pero hay mucho que necesito hacer. y le extrano muchisimo.

i was gonna pour out more (in english) but some nights it is just better
to
go
to
bed.

This is Beautiful.

Last night, as I was sleeping,

I dreamt--marvellous error!--

that I had a beehive

here inside my heart.

And the golden bees

were making white combs

and sweet honey

from my old failures.


(-Antionio Machado)

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

What a relaxed, beautiful afternoon. Laid in bed- read, fell asleep, woke up, read some more, fell back asleep, woke up- went outside and played my guitar in the sanctuary of our backyard. It was so wonderful.

I missed out on a barbeque for a dear friend, which makes me sad, but just coming off a short illness- this was just the afternoon i needed.


hey everybody... i want to you all before i leave...ok?
Love to All-

Hey! Come and See!!! ...er Listen!

This Saturday night my amiga, Shannon, will be playing at Mon Cafe- her music is personal, touching, and so incredibly talented. (it breaks me open). Come and hear her play!
Also...
My dear friend Earl John is going to be playing next Saturday, the 23rd, at the coffee house. I will be opening for him and there will be music, friends, and coffee galore!
Earl J. is an amazing guitarist, and his voice is just incredible. Just incredible. (I've blogged about his music before). :)

Anyway, here's the info:

Mon Cafe, 971 Manor Blvd. San Leandro 94579 (510) 895-5282

Shannon and Assorted Baristas: Saturday the 16th, 7pm at Mon Cafe
Earl John Rivard: Saturday the 23rd, 7pm at Mon Cafe

The Most Beautiful Woman in All the World

My Grandmother.

" God is tryin' ta tell you somethin' "

There is this beautiful scene near the end of "The Color Purple," the movie made from Alice Walker's novel, where there is a church service going on and the people out in the old-low-down-n-dirty jazz club hear the music and the woman who was singing the sultry jazz tune stops, and starts singing the lead voice of the gospel song.

She starts striding toward the church, singing at the top of her lungs- all the jazz folk following her and clapping in rhythm, rejoicing. The people of the church hear her voice before she gets to the building, the lead vocalist in the church stops singing, bewildered as to where this voice is coming from. The people of the congregation turn in their chairs, and the preacher just stops and stares as this woman bursts through the doors singing, calling out, "God is tryin' ta tell you somethin', God is tryin' ta tell you somethin', God is tryin' ta tell you somethin' right now!"

This woman was shunned by the church-folk, they didn't want to associate themselves with a woman of "her kind." Even her father, the preacher.

She sings, her face glowing, arms stretched out- calling out at the top of her lungs, tears streaming down her face past the most joyous smile. The church wouldn't open their doors to these people, this woman, so they came storming in.

Doors broken down,
the divisions between "us" and "them"- between the pious preacher and the sensual, soulful singer all crumble away.

"God is tryin' ta tell you somethin'...
God is tryin' ta tell you somethin'
God is tryin' ta tell you somethin' right now..."

My Beloved

You Are the ground beneath my feet,
You Are the rain
You Are the sun that rises again in my heart.
You Are the ocean's tides, constant and moving-
You Are the arms around me,
You Are the trees and the tanbark and the old swing,
You Are laughter and tears,
You Are peace.

the most intimate of tenderness
You have spoken to me,
carried me in Your arms
and rocked me to sleep on an Amtrak train.

You lay my steps before me,
You lift my head,
i breathe You.
You Are.

and i know You intimately-
the way a woman knows her lover,
the way the birds find their way home and back again.
i know You in the quiet places in my heart,
and in my joy
and in my singing.
i know You in my pain
the searing sorrow that sometimes visits me.
even there, i know You.

the Mystery unravels me and holds me tenderly-
i rest my head in Her,
my heart and my body.

this world and this Life are sacred-
i can hear Her rhythm pulsating in every living thing.

What??

An ad for the new HP Compaq notebook, asks:
"No one wants to work 15 hours straight, but isn't it nice to know you can?"

Umm, i would say, no.

New....Untitled.

its about that time of day
when the shadows grow long
and the earth's rhythms are reminding me-

the sun, the sun must set,
for it to rise again.

the rain will fall on my head
when you board that train, on wednesday
but the earth will not stop spinning in her orbit, no
my journey is only beginning-

soon i'll be headed for the border
and myself
i've got six strings and my courage wrapped around me like a coat-
i still haven't washed
my grey sweater-
it smells of you.
and misses your warmth, i miss your warmth-

but the sun, the sun must set,
for it to rise again.

it's about that time of day
when the birds are in song
and the earth's rhythms are reminding me-

that the sun will set,
and it will rise again.

Joy Harjo, a Creek woman.

The Blanket Around Her.

maybe it is her birth
which she holds close to herself
or her death
which is just as inseperable

and the white wind
that encircles her is a part
just as the
blue sky
hanging in turquoise from her neck

oh woman
remember who you are
woman
it is the whole earth.

A Moment in the Friendship of...

Me to Aurora: DO you know how CRAZY it would be to have 360 degree vision????

Aurora: giggling begins to spin in a circle.


She blames the late afternoon caffiene...i'm not sure.......

Doubly Foul or For Aurora

Just watched "Waking Life" with my dear friend, and it was so wonderful to see again. Each time i see it i catch different things and retain more...so incredible. (Go rent it....NOW!)

Anyway, there is this part of the movie- a conversation that happens between these two men. It is the inspiration for the title of my blog actually...The Holy Moment. Anyway it just reminded me that EVERY moment in our Life is sacred, and that EVERY moment i have blogged about here is Holy.....the moments of exuberant joy, the frustrated moments, the ones of searing pain. All Holy.


So good to Remember.

A Quiet Friday Night

Ocean, redwoods, time with a dear friend, some Alan Watts or Joseph Campbell, honoring my grandmother's birthday...these will restore my sanity this weekend.

finally getting on the ball with things...FINALLY. feels good.




what the hell does that mean anyway, "getting on the ball"??

Words of Wisdom

Blessed are the cracked

for they will let in the light.

Conversation with Dear Ol'...

my stomach is throbbing
and some wretched scream aches in the place behind my sternum.

internally, i am
rocking
i am writhing
i am retching
up an empty stomach's contents-

why do i even try?
why do i let hope exist,
so small and frail,
emaciated-
yet still with light behind her eyes?

i am reduced to my
five-year old little girl self
who doesn't understand,
and who still twirls and spins
and looks to see if he is watching-

only i'm not spinning
anymore,
not dancing-
i am begging
begging for a moment's mercy
for a breath of tenderness
a crack
a fissure of kindness
in his rocky, hard places.

tonight
i am starving
i am wishing for something better-
than this,
than his cold stare and icy tone-

if a"father's love" cannot melt a heart like that-
what will???

and the burning behind my sternum
turns into a cavern
of pain.
my rib cage holds a void
that i cannot bear the weight of.

how difficult it is
not to believe your father's truths about you.
how much more worse
that your anguish is met with such cold and unmoved ferocity.

Shakira.

I may have too much time on my hands, for instance while i'm at work at the coffee shop, but THESE guys are out of control!!!

For Everyone...

Go see "Little Miss Sunshine." It is by far one of the best movies i have seen all year. Absolutely hilarious, and yet has its touching poignant moments as well.
GO. NOW!!!

Congratulations to Kristen and Joshua and Judah on the new addition to their family!!! Welcome, Killian Elijah, to Life!


Much has happened since i last wrote. Too much to catch up on...i should really know better than to go a week without blogging. :) silly Rachell.

Went to go see my friend Earl J. play at this restuarant in Walnut Creek- he is so incredible. I am hoping to get him to play at the humble venue that is the Mon Cafe. His voice is like velvet. like a cup of hot chocolate after you've been playing outside in the snow all day. i am in love with it.
And i want to adopt his Dad. He is so wonderful to me. I thank God for encountering him in my Life, his love and acceptance is like a meal after years of starvation. Thank you Abba.

So much learning going on....i am so thankful.

I've had some really intense moments with people lately...a connection with Earl, shared tears and conversation with Nat, whom i am more and more grateful for in my Life...she is such a good friend...Laughter with my dear Aurora!!! ohmygosh...Long Live Plain Jane!!!!! Have i said too much?!? hehe maybe not enough.

it's been good to catch up with people i haven't seen, still missing others...(SHANNONCITA!?!) Hope this finds everyone well and doesn't bore anyone to death.

p.s. Have i mentioned how grateful i am for Wise Old(er) Women???

YES! oh man oh man oh man...

Ani's got a new album.....released today!!!!!!! new music and a bunch of spoken word tracks....

DELICIOUS.


i am so excited...why am i in front of this computer and not in line at Rasputins????

hasta.

Breathtakingly Beautiful.

Wanna see some of the most beautiful pictures i have ever seen???

oh man.

Kahlil Gibran...and Joanne.

"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry,
the philosophy which does not laugh,
and the greatness which does not bow before children."


mmmm, yes.

i have been feeling so peaceful today. yesterday too. i had some pretty dark moments there- but now this peace has settled in my deepest place. i am so grateful.

one more quote, from my friend at the coffee shop, a wise wise woman, a holy-mad woman.

"All is gift, because All is Well."


yum.

A Quiet Sadness Observed.

said goodbye to my first love today- he's moving across the country for school.
it was strange, and a little sad.

endings and beginnings are intertwined so intricately.
just like joy and sorrow.


broken places
shared spaces
the distance between
sharing nothing, and everything-
simultaneously.

we shared a curb and laughed
about our newest escapades
yeah, nothing's the same
and it's all familiar-
it's all familiar

so many apologies go unspoken
they hang in the air-
could be's, what if's, should have's
do they even matter?
or do they just bind us?
or do they just bind us?

broken places
shared spaces
the distance between.

For Dave

BOOoOOOo CREEPY FOOT DOCTOR!!!!

I Have the Coolest Job EVER.

So, funny happenings yesterday with my girls...quick story. :)

Brianna (the oldest), Fiona (the youngest), and i were in the backyard playing baseball. I was pitching and Brianna was up to bat. Fiona had deemed herself ball-girl, her usual position.
Picture this: As it is a hot day, Fiona is running around in just a too long white t-shirt and her Dora underwear. Brianna and I are concerned for her well-being and so, Brianna gives Fiona her BRIGHT pink softball helmet, that is 4x too large for Fi's little head. Her delicate golden curls are sticking out from underneath and she is having to walk around with her head tilted back so that she can see out from under the helmet.
Brianna and I decided not to play a full game, but just practice hitting the ball. I pitch the first couple of balls to Brianna, who smacks them good. Fiona, summing up my general synopsis of baseball, coaches her sister, yelling, "Run in circles!"

Brianna and I crack up, and I wonder at the world, and baseball, from a four year-old's perspective. I love it.

I've got those "Wednesday-Morning-Business-Is-Too-Damn-Slow" Blahs

What is wrong with me?????
i feel like i am ricocheting between health and demise, both physically and spiritually/mentally/emotionally.
i have learned so much, know what my innermost self's response would be, should be, is...and i am ignoring it as much as possible.
i am frustrated
angry
sorrowful
anxious
and a little spiteful.

yuck.

sometimes i wish i could vomit these things out like a bad corndog. or, more accurately, like a pork taco from the highly-illegal-transporting-of-meat taquiera next door! yes, like that.

i feel venomous.

and ugly.

like this lower-self/ego me is crouching in the corner hissing and abcessing and preparing to pounce.

sorry. but i thought i'd go for honesty this time around. feels better, and worse. again, my apologies- no one should feel like this let alone have to hear about it.

Mi Save Misim Yu Tru.

saying goodbye
i give you pieces of my heart.


Bai mi mekim wanUm nau?
maybe the pieces we have left with each other can be held closely.
maybe we are not broken.
maybe we are still whole.

you to your reconciliation, me to my splitting apart.

how quickly our garage became your room...i will be missing you, friend of my heart-of-hearts.

Santa Cruz

Spent the day at the beach. beautiful. this evening we have been playing with Amir, and now sadly he is going to bed. :)
listening to Ben Harper's "Have you Ever"- it is very beautiful and slightly achey.
just had a conversation with Andy about family and "home."
i think we find home in people that we love.
in God in us and in others.

Sometimes i get frustrated with blogging because i would like to say what is really on my mind, but refrain or speak in some ridiculous "code" because i know certain people may be reading. i guess that is the difference between a journal and a blog, but typing sometimes is just more comfortable. hmmm. anyway-

i am so thankful for this crossing of paths that i have had with my friends. old and new. :) it has been so wonderful.

Cathedrals of Love.

...for you hombre arananjado.

Went to an AMAZING show last night....Andrew Chakan a.k.a. Kid Beyond who is an incredible beat boxing, song writing, humanitarian/activist/party animal. He performed along with Zoe Keating, who if you have not yet heard of is God's gift to the cello and to this earth. She is.....beyond words. She plays the cello and with the help of a loop pedal, layers herself over 16 times. It is absolutely angelic. It moves you so deeply. It has a similar effect that Sigur Ros has on me....maybe a little more so even.

My boys are still here, and just as crazy as ever....though Andy is missing his "voman." They will be leaving soon and i am sad. Their music has been filling my house and my heart-- it will be so empty when they go. Still, must leave that to the leaving and enjoy the time we still have together.

Going to Santa Cruz this weekend to visit my Natalie and introduce the boys to the California coast...i believe we will take Hwy 1 home. yum.

well, must go. love to all.

Yum to the 'Enth Degree...

My friends are here!! Dave and Andy are visiting...i love them so much. it is the fault of our continuous shananigans that i have not been writing here. so wonderful.
crazy jam sessions until the wee hours of the morning, cooking for each other, good conversations, and laughing until i have tears streaming down my face.
it is such good timing, thank you God.

both the boys grew up in Papua New Guinea and their perspective is refreshing and affirming. Dave is teaching me "Pidgen"- the trade language in Guinea. i love it! i think i may have been born in the wrong country... haha. i feel at home with them.

in other news,
i am letting go of worries that i cling to. slowly and gently. it is a good thing. i feel like my soul is settling a bit, resting a bit more. I am so thankful that God cannot be contained by my silly anxieties.

balancing external and internal can be hard sometimes...maybe the are not the duality that they seem. hmmmm.

anybody have "hot-spots" that can't be missed while the boys are here?? they want to see more of the City....

MOMA tomorrow and then an incredible show at Slims.
good, good times.

Where is my cave?

trying hard not to let situations affect my perception of my self and my worth.

not working.

Pieces of Thing

If your intentions are pure
I'm seeking a friend
for the end
of the world.

it's a long long road
it's a big big world-
we are wise, wise women
we are giggling girls...


Be my Friend-
hold me
wrap me up,
unfold me
i am small...
come breath me


the entirety of "untouchable face" by ani


he doesn't need me
he just wants me
around



sometimes songs just speak for me much better than i am able to speak for myself.
tonight i am just achey. i had a beautiful day too...i don't understand.

oh well, won't spend too much time with it tonight. sleep.

On this day in 1989...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HOONIE!!!!!
i love you so very much. you are in the deepest part of me, my sister.

Endings and beginnings...

hearts beating true,
we dance to our own rhythms.

i can't explain the ins and outs
and all the other
crazy directions that
our paths have taken,
but in my deepest heart
resounds this knowing,
affirmation.

rest your heart.
know that only Love abounds, and Love sets you free.

Pretty Prophetic-Powerful-Crazy...

"Allow the President to invade a neighboring nation, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such purpose -- and you allow him to make war at pleasure. If, today, he should choose to say he thinks it necessary to invade Canada to prevent the British from invading us, how could you stop him? You may say to him, 'I see no probability of the British invading us'; but he will say to you, 'Be silent; I see it, if you don't.' "

-Abraham Lincoln, expressing his opposition to the Mexican War in 1848.



...Dang.

Orange-Colored Sky

I don't even know if you read this blog, but sometimes a gratitude runs so deep and expands so vastly that it must be expressed.

Thank you for talking
and for
who you are.

Musings...

I've got that "I (Heart) Huckabees" song in my head...doo-dunh dadah doo-dunh...
you know the one.

i've been thinking a lot lately about how we make time for what is important to us. so, i've been thinking about what i have been spending my time on and the delicate balance i'm somehow managing to stumble along.
i'm working a lot and wondering if it is worthwhile. i want so much more time to read, write, play the guitar, enjoy and connect with those i love. but also, i need to be saving dinero to fund my time in mexico and the three months i won't be working. so maybe, this is a season of working with rest to come? then i will be coming back and changing focus. being able to devote more time to learning, loving, music and the like.
it sounds so good.

struggling with my place lately- in relationships with others.
crazy family- what is my role? what degree of distance is healthy and what is cruel? am i just avoiding the situation? am i tresspassing in co-dependency?
in other news, i have stumbled across some resentment in my heart. it grieves me and i am dancing around it, wondering what the best way is to deal with it. releasing pride, admitting vulnerability, growing in grace for others and myself.

i know deeply that i am in a time of preparation right now. i feel a growing sense of responsibilty- to be intentional and introspective in my living, in my loving.

What could possibly be more exciting than being alive??

Making Silly Faces...

Fiona and I laughed so hard this morning that i cried. Holy moly that child is hilarious.

she's trying to do one-arm pushups right now....HYSTERICAL. ohmegosh.

earlier she started singing the "Pink Panther" theme out of nowhere.

What the heck?! This is my job??!?

Back from the Dead...

Feeling much better these days. I wrote this fantasticly funny blog about my misadventures during my illness but my parents' computer is having difficulties and somehow it was lost...SOB! alas, the world has missed out on a quite comical, slightly feverish blog. oh well. i might have just thought it was funny because my brain was mushy.
Anyway.
Had a beautiful experience on Sunday. i went to the "church without walls" in berkeley and then spent some time in good company afterwards. Matt and Rena invited me into their home for dinner. We spent time laughing and interacting with their son Noah, who is 1 and a half. Genuine, authentic conversation concerning "church", life, family, God, and relating to others in honest and vulnerable ways. it was so beautiful and i was so thankful for their warmth, hospitality, and the connection.
Connection without falsity or pretense...i felt comfortable, wholly welcome, and relieved. it was just what my soul needed.

Then yesterday, back to work at the coffee shop. i was feeling kinda down, i think it was a combo of the grey weather and some worrying i was doing. While i was working, an older woman, a regular named Gail who is "feisty" and hysterically irreverent, came in and gave me a gift- a necklace similar to the one i had commented on when she had worn it previously. Her necklace. It was incredibly thoughtful and generous. And it gave her such joy to give. I couldn't believe it.
Then later, a woman who works in the center came in and asked me if i was feeling better, that she had heard i was really sick. We chatted and i explained what had gone down, and she told me to listen to my body and take care of myself. Then when i asked her what i could get her she said, "Oh nothing- i just came in to see how you were doing." What the heck?!? i've talked to this woman maybe a total of four or five times. Yet she puts herself out there to show me care and concern. I turned to my boss and asked, "What IS this place??!"

It's crazy and beautiful- the community that has arisen there. Strangers interacting, getting to know each other in the early moments of their day. I cannot tell you how many connections i see happen every morning. It is really beautiful. And the regulars are something else...sometimes nosy and all too ready to offer advice, but more than anything showing care and love towards one another and all of us who work there. It is something else.

Then this morning, seeing my girls for the first time in over a week...very cool. The older two were tripping over each other to tell me about their weekend and the youngest was snuggled up in my lap. Magical. :)

I am so blessed.

I start school tonight, which worries me a bit. busy again. but i think i will be able to settle into a rhythm, and adjust what needs adjusting.
i'm feeling a bit disconnected from friends in far places...san jose, san francisco, santa cruz.... to any reading, i miss you guys dearly and want to see you soon.
Planning the summer out- it's the middle of june! (dear friends will be here in less than a month!!!! Ahh!) the fall, heading to Mexico, New Mexico, and then back for Christmas with the fam. Trying not to worry about school timing and such...ugh. We shall see.

Peace to all. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. :)

Pobrecita...

How can i explain to my little hermana that the heartbreak she's feeling will pass? How do i explain that sometimes first love ends in disaster? and that the worst part is the loss of that first ideal?
Maybe i don't explain anything at all, just listen. i think this is better. i just hate to see her hurting.